When We Crossed Paths

Chapter Seven: Confession

"Hey Yamashita!" Whispered one of my classmates who sat behind me in homeroom.

I turned round to face him, curious about his "I know something" smirk.

"What is it, Hanae?" I asked him.

"Shizuka likes you!" He snickered.

"What?" I said with a bit of surprise.

"Shizuka likes you! I heard she's going to confess to you after school!" Hanae winked. "What do you think of her?"

"I...I don't know. I've never thought about her in that way!" I responded.

"Really? She's so pretty." Hanae replied with a gasp.

The thing was. I knew she was pretty. Shizuka went to the same Middle School as me. We weren't best friends or anything like that but we got on really well. She's kind, funny, smart. Any straight guy would be lucky to be with her. Of course, by this point, I accepted that I was gay, but the thought of having to hear her confession was gut-wrenching. She would clearly, and understandably, be upset and no doubt feel humiliated and I didn't want that to happen. I liked her, but just as a friend. No one knew I was gay and I had no intention of telling anyone. This was going to be horrible. She would not want to talk to me again. Something I would actually understand but would still be upset about.

Now, I just had to wait till she approached me.

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The entire day was spent waiting, however, it was the end of the school day, and Shizuka hadn't approached me or said anything. I thought maybe she chickened out. Or maybe the rumour wasn't true. I prayed it was the latter.

Of course, life doesn't work that way. In my shoe locker was a note from her asking me to meet her by the Sakura tree behind the school. My heart started to thump really fast. I was so scared and nervous. I kept trying to think of the kindest way of rejecting her without having to give too much detail but I kept drawing a blank. This was something I was just going to have to deal with.

I very slowly walked to the requested meeting place. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I was seriously hoping that she had already chickened out and wouldn't be there. However, standing there, underneath the Sakura tree, looking nervous was Shizuka. I really hated myself for what I was about to do.

"Hey, Shizuka!" I greeted.

"Oh...H-hi Yamashita! Thanks for meeting me here!" She responded so nervously.

"So, what did you want to speak to me about?" I asked knowing full well what she was going to ask.

"Well...uhm...you see...we've known each other since Middle School and uhm...I've come to think highly of you...And...I think you're very kind...and sweat...and funny and...handsome...and I..."

I went numb. I couldn't bare to hear the next words out of her mouth. I remember gritting my teeth and holding my breath, waiting for the bullet.

"I like you, Yamashita! I mean, really really like you! Would you go out with me?" She declared squeezing her eyes shut.

I just stared at her. I commended her bravery for putting her feelings on the line like that. I struggled to find my own words. I really couldn't figure out what to say. I remember struggling to catch my breath. I was pretty sure I was having a mini panic attack. She was just staring at me, desperate to hear my answer.

I was still struggling to catch my breath. My mind was a complete blank. I seriously couldn't find the words. In fact, the only thoughts in my mind at that time was about my own guilt. I felt terrible that I was gay and that I wasn't attracted to her. I imagined experiencing her feelings if I was to ever confess to Nishimura. I imagined the same feelings of fear and humiliation. Except, the difference with me is that my life would be over if I confessed. I'd lose him, I'd lose my school friends, I'd lose my reputation, I'd lose everything!

Before I knew it, those thoughts had completely consumed my mind. Even more panic had set in. My breathing got even heavier and without realising it, tears had started to stream down my face.

"Yamashita? What's wrong?" She asked, no longer nervous but showing concern.

"Shizuka!" I panted through the tears which were now in full flow. "I'm sorry! But I'm...in love with someone else!"
I no longer had control over myself. The tears showed no sign of stopping. My vision became blurry. I eventually fell to my knees, my legs unable to hold the emotional weight, my hands covering my face as I wept.

"Why are you crying? It's OK. It's not your fault." She replied with such kindness. It actually made me feel worse. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

"But he can't know! He won't want me and I'll lose him as my friend! I wish I didn't feel this way!" I, without realising, blurted out.

"He!?" Shizuka exclaimed. "You're...you're gay?"

I suddenly stopped crying once I realised what I had done. I panicked. I couldn't believe I just outed myself. I was scared at that moment. There was just silence. She was staring at me. A shocked expression on her face. I felt my life was over in that moment.

"Yamashita!" She began, seeing the fear in my eyes. "It's OK!"

"What?" I blubbered.

"It's OK that you're gay!" She reassured. She bent down to her knees so that she was eye level with me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"You...don't hate me?" I winced.

"What? No! Of course I don't! Why would you think that I'd hate you?" She asked.

"Cause...I humiliated you and when I accidentally outed myself, I'd thought you'd hate me even more. You know how conservative Japan is." I explained.

"No. I'm not humiliated. I don't hate you. I know how conservative Japan is but I don't care. All love is beautiful. No matter the form it takes. Being gay is normal just as much as being straight is." She said poetically.

I looked at her with slight amazement. I would never have imagined her being so mature. Even now I'm amazed by it.

"It's funny..." I said wiping the tears from my face. "You're the one that was rejected and yet I'm the one that's crying."

"I wouldn't have cried, anyway." She responded sarcastically.

"Ouch!" I chuckled.

After a few moments and once I composed myself, I stood up and we started to slowly walk out of the school grounds.

"Yamashita!" She started. "You're secret is safe with me. I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thanks! I really appreciate it!" I smiled.

"And don't be afraid to talk to me about stuff!" She insisted.

"I promise!" I replied. I actually felt a little relieved. It was nice to actually say my feelings out loud to someone. I actually accepted myself even more at that moment because I said it to someone who accepted me. One of the weights had been lifted.

"So uhm...the someone else that you're in love with...it's the boy you're always seen hanging out with, isn't it?" She (very cleverly) deduced.

"Wha...how did you know!?" I exclaimed.

"Oh come on! I have art club on some of the nights that you have Volleyball, and he's always there to meet you afterwards. When you're out running together, you run past my house. When boys in our class invite you somewhere, you always say you have plans. He's the only boy you seem to hang out with. It's got to be him, isn't it?" - damn her. I didn't realise how obvious it seemed.

"Do others suspect that?" I asked with a sense of fear.

"I don't think so. I've never heard anyone say anything. I think you're safe." She reassured.

I hoped that was the case. I couldn't bare it if everyone knew and I'd have hated it if it made it's way to him.

With me and Shizuka, like I said, I was relieved (a little) that I could be open and honest with someone. She was clearly very intuitive but very accepting.

I'd say we became much much closer that day.