When We Crossed Paths

Chapter Twenty One: Should I Have Pressed Further?

"You look so sad..." Shizuka said as we ate lunch. "...why are you so sad? Did you and Nishimura have a fight?"

"No..." I droned. "...but I know things aren't good for him at home."

"Why? What's going on?" She asked curiously.

"He won't tell me but I think it's because he messed up his parents plan to marry him off to Akamori. His dad is pissed. I know it for sure, but he refuses to tell me. He changes the subject or just rebuffs me when I bring it up."

"Hmm...that's not good. This is like how you were before. He's doing to you what you did to him." Shizuka explained.

"Do you think he's doing it on purpose?" I quizzed.

"I don't think he's doing it maliciously. He clearly doesn't want to worry you but it's obvious things are bad. He's clearly not ready to talk about it, but you need to be extremely careful. Things can spiral downhill very rapidly."

"I know..." I replied looking out the window.

I was never going to stop worrying. Asahi is very strong. In many senses of the word. He did always bounce back from things quickly. But then...this was different. What was worse was I didn't know what it was. There had to be a way to get through to him. I was sure he was just being stubbern. But I was fearful that he was being truthful about wanting to protect me from the pain he was feeling. That he was carrying the heavy burden alone. I couldn't figure out what to do. I thought to keep bugging him about it but that could've risked causing him to become even more insular.

I was at a loss...

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School was over. I said goodbye to Shizuka who had art club and I was going to head home.

"Hideki!" Asahi shouted from the gate waving excitedly.

I was surprised. I wasn't expecting him to be here. I ran quickly towards him, waving back at him shouting his name.

"What you doing here?" I asked with a smile.

"Are you not happy to see me?" He joked.

"Of course I am, silly. But today's your Volleyball practice. That's why I'm surprised."

"The Coach is sick so, we decided to take a break today. So, with extra time, I thought I'd surprise my boyfriend." He giggled.

"Well, I love the surprise." I declared.

"So, shall we..."

I got interrupted by Asahi suddenly hugging me. It wasn't Asahi hugging that surprised me. It was the fact it was in public. People were staring. In honesty, I actually don't think I cared that people were looking. It was still a shock that he hugged me. I mean...I had no idea how he felt about public displays of affection. Forget that this was a gay relationship, I actually don't think he would've done that if I was a girl. It made me wander...

We just stood there, hugging. Classmates walking past, whispering and snickering. He was squeezing me tight. I swear I heard him whimper a little. I should've responded better. Of course I hugged him back. But, that should've been a warning sign. Although, in a later conversation, he did say that there was nothing I could've done. He was adamant that I responded the way he needed me to.

Still...should I still have said something? I should've said something, right?

I still kick myself.

Why he wanted to be with me was beyond comprehension. Why he still wanted to be with me despite it all was a mystery. I didn't support him enough. I didn't help him enough. And yet, he still wanted to be with me!? It's completely illogical in my opinion. I was nothing special. I'm still nothing special. And he...is amazing. He's wonderful. Completely out of my league and deserves so much better than me.

Maybe...I don't know...there were moments...during that time, I thought maybe it would've been better if we hadn't met. Not that I regret anything or didn't want to be with him. It was just...that point in time, with everything...perhaps he wouldn't have went through all that if he hadn't met me. I know he had already told me not to think like that. And I was not doubting his feelings. It's not that at all. Maybe I was over complicating it. Maybe I was being selfish, or vain. I can't explain it.

"Sorry..." He whispered.

"What for?" I asked.

"Just...turning up like this...hugging you in public." He continued to whisper.

"You never have to apologise for anything like that. I love that you turned up like this. I love hugging you. No matter when and where." I whispered back.

He pulled back and looked at me in the eyes. His smile was still a little weak but a bit wider.

"I'm so lucky..." He said while moving my fringe with his hand. "...I'm so greatful I have you in my life."

I got quite embarrassed. "I wouldn't go that far." I quietly joked.

"Come on now!" He scolded pulling at my cheeks. "I've told you never to sell yourself short. You might not think highly of yourself but I do."

He hesisted slightly. "You're...you're my everything."

"Asahi. Tell me what's going on!" I pleaded.

"It's nothing. I promise!" He whimpered.

"It's not nothing. You're chocking up right now!" I implored.

"Seriously, it's nothing. I just...I just get a little overwhelmed sometimes. Schools stressful. Exams are coming up. I'm having to attend extra study classes, and volleyball. And you're the same. I just...I...I feel like I'm seeing you less. And I miss you!" He admitted, looking away all embarrassed.

I just looked at him. I knew then that it was probably more than that but I couldn't help but love that. I mean...we were seeing each other less because of exams, and I missed him too. I always missed him when we were not together. I'm still like that.

"Well...how about we have study sessions together? So at least we're together." I suggested.

"But you didn't like doing that. You said I was a distraction."

"That's because you are. You kept wanting to hold my hand, and hug me. The 'study' in study session was not happening."

"So? What was wrong with that?"

"The whole point of a study session is to study."

"...yeah." He said rolling his eyes. "...I promise I'll study this time."

"No you won't!" I laughed.

"No I won't. But you can't blame me when it doesn't happen since you suggested it knowing full well what could happen." He said wagging his finger and winking.

I just shook my head. He's like a puppy. "Come on! Let's go!"

"OK!" He cheered, hooking his arm round my shoulders.

It's funny...when I look back at this moment...I seem to understand better now than I did then. I guess that's the beauty of hindsight... "I should've said this...I should've done that..."

Then again...maybe the reaction wouldn't have been different. He did say he was never one to talk about things like that. He would always apologise for that. I actually yelled at him once to stop apologising. You should've seen the look on his face. He was shocked that I yelled at him. We both burst into laughter. Not that anything changed though.

But...I should have pressed further. He said that he wanted to protect me. But I should've protected him too. I know I couldn't have taken the pain away, I know that I was powerless with what was happening at home. However...perhaps if I had been stronger, I could've protected him. The next few months would be very dark days and I should have been strong enough to guide him through it. I could've nulled the pain.

Even just a little...