When We Crossed Paths

Chapter Fourteen: Is This True?

"Yamashita?" He blankly said to me. "Is this true?"

"I...uhm..."

I was numb. Like...completely numb. Nothing was working. My eyes were fuzzy. Nishimura was just a blur. I actually thought I was going to pass out.

I could feel Shitte just standing there with a nasty smirk on his face, pretty satisfied with what he'd done.

"Hm! Serves you right..." he said.

"GO AWAY NOW!" Nishimura screamed at him which gave him a shock. The look of fear would have been satisfying if I wasn't so scared myself. Without a second to think, Shitte walked away with his tail between his legs with Kirei following behind him. Nishimura's attention immediately returned to me. His angry expression had turned to a look of confusion.

"Yamashita..." He repeated. "...Yamashita. Talk to me...is it true?"

"Yes...it's true." I confessed.

"I see." He replied. "And...and how long have you felt this way?"

I looked down at my feet. I actually felt ashamed, although I could already hear Shizuka's voice in the back of my mind telling me not to be. "For uhm...quite a long time. I...I ah...realised it all when we...first trained together..."

"You've felt this way all this time? This isn't a recent thing?" He quizzed.

"No! But I...I swear I wasn't going to act on it. I had already decided that I was never going to tell you." I explained with a sense of panic.

"Why weren't you going to tell me you're gay? I mean, I get why you wouldn't back then but you could've told me now." He asked.

"I couldn't have told you!" I whined.

"Why not?" He pressed.

"Oh come on! You know how conservative Japan is. I wasn't prepared to risk losing you as my friend. I had already made peace with never telling you...because...because I'd rather keep it a secret and keep you in my life than risk losing you altogether!"

"You've known me long enough..."

"But we've never discussed anything like this before. How could I know? I still wasn't willing to risk it. I was happy keeping it to myself. I was handling it!" I lied.

"But...you weren't. You've been dodging me for a couple of weeks now. You were horrible to me. And it's all because of this. You really hurt me. You left me standing in the middle of Akihabara station. I was so confused. I thought I had done something wrong."

"You didn't! I promise! This is all me. I take all the blame for it! I'll admit...my emotions ran a little high then..."

"You had been like that for weeks before then!" He interrupted.

"I know! I just..." I took a deep breath.

"...you are the most important person in my life. You're my best friend in the whole world and you mean everything to me. I didn't mean to fall in love with you, but I did. I had decided not to tell you because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I had decided that keeping you in my life as my friend was more important than confessing to you. For quite a while, it was working. However, in recent months, it was getting more difficult. Mentally, I was drowning. All the boys at school were talking about their girlfriends or talking about having girlfriends and I knew that you'd be thinking about that too. I was so fearful of the day that you told me you had a girlfriend. And when Akamori turned up at the station, I felt my heart breaking. I didn't want to feel this way. I'm sure Akamori is a nice girl and I really want you to be happy. I promise that I'll get over this and be happy for you. It'll be hard but I know I'll do it. Because I want you to be happy."

It was strange, I was actually out of breath. Pouring your heart out is emotionally exhausting. Nishimura just stood there. He had that blank expression on his face. He wasn't looking at me. I knew this was the end. What I thought would happen had happened.

"You should have told me!" Nishimura repeated. "I had a right to know. Especially when you were treating me so bad. I felt horrible. I felt like I had done something. That it was all my fault!"

"I know! I'm sorry! This is all me. I take full responsibility for this. I just...I panicked. It took a long time to accept myself for who I am and I was scared about your reaction. I mean...today has probably been the worst day of my life. Everyone at school knows. All the boys are avoiding me. One of my classmates who I actually got on well with doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I mean...I don't really care that much with the boys at school not talking to me, but it was the fear of you not wanting to talk to me anymore. That scared me more than anything. I couldn't do it. I wasn't willing to lose you because...I care so much about you...you're my best friend...you're the most important person in my life...because...I...I..."

"...I love you!" - that was the first time I said that out loud. It was supposed to feel good. It was supposed to be a wonderful moment. But it wasn't. It was horrible. It was extremely painful.

He was silent.

The wait was torture. After a while, he looked up at me. His expression unchanged.

"I need to go..."

"What?" I asked with a scared expression.

"I need to go do something." He repeated in monotone. He turned and slowly walked away.

"W...a...I...u...p...o..." I couldn't form words. I wanted to plead. Beg him not to leave. My hands reaching out as if to try and grab his arms, but my feet weren't moving. Tears streaming down my face...

"Yamashita-kun..." Shizuka said lightly while placing her hand on my shoulder. "...let him go."

"But...I..." I cried.

"No...he's made his choice. Let him go." She said calmly. Although, looking back, I honestly think she was trying to hold back her own tears.

But I just stood there, as I watched him walk away.

The most important person to me. The boy I truly loved, had walked away...

My darkest fear had happened...

I lost him...