Dear Heart, You May Speak Now.

Chapter 12

Monday April 6th 2015

It's the first day back from spring break today, and as soon as all three of us are in Creative Writing, Cora starts talking about the five days that she spent in Whistler, with Adam. She shows me and Chloe pictures of them by cute coffee shops, cafe's and little landmarks.

She shows us a few videos of Adam painting a portrait of her. Me and Chloe are totally impressed by his evident talent. I ask "That's really just from memory? He's not copying a photo?"

Cora nods proudly. Chloe smiles "I think to capture whoever we're in love with, with any art form is such a fascinating concept." Me and Cora look at Chloe with slight intensity.

Cora asks with sincere curiously, I think more for me then for herself "And are you in love with Benson?" Chloe's expression stays calm. I feel utterly engulfed in pain at this moment but I have a neutral expression on my face. Chloe answers "I think I love Benson, but I don't think I'm in love."

Cora asks "Is there a major difference?" Chloe smiles "Well, of course there is a difference."
Cora asks "What's the difference?" Chloe clears her throat quietly:

"I think when we're in love with someone, we kind of stop seeing them, as just a person, you know? Like they become personified within their own right. They become a God, in our eyes. And in-front of them everything is blurry, and un focused. They possess you, you close your eyes, you see them, you open your eyes, you see them. You try to forget them, and that punctures your spirt even more. Even at their worst, you don't feel like letting them go. That's being in love."

I could cry at Chloe's description of being in love. I decide to jump out of my emotional zone, and say "You know, I think you're right." Cora looks at me in subtle understanding, then says "I third that."

Chloe shrugs her shoulders with neutrality radiating off of her "I'm pretty sure Benson doesn't feel that way either. But he's never mistreated me."

Cora and me both feel a warmth when Chloe says that last sentence. We dip into a conversation about if Cora and Adam are going to be together long term or not, for the last half of class.

I feel myself going into one of my dark moods this afternoon, and feel glad that I have a shift from five to nine at the corner store to distract myself.

It's around eight when I'm near the end of one more of Chloe's favourite books. The book really resonates to me, since it's all about a seventeen year old kid named Elio Perlman in love.

I'm reading it when Chloe messages me out of the blue "Wanna hangout at nine?" I reply back "Always. See you soon."

Just like that one time, two months ago, she's standing by my car, looking stunning as usual, when I step outside. I ask "Are you, all good? Chloe smiles sincerely "Yes. Do you wanna go see a movie? There's a few films that start around ten." I say "Sure. Which one?"

Chloe says "Well it's playing in the Indie theatre, downtown, and it's called Song One, it's about this women, who's brother ends up getting into a bad accident, and so she goes to New York to see him, and when she gets there she gets romantically involved with the singer that her brother is obsessed with. It's with Anne Hathaway. And with this singer I really like named Johnny Flynn."

I start my car "Show me a song by him." Chloe puts her hand out for my phone. She plugs in the Aux Cord, and plays a song called Iris Instilled by the Singer.

I immediately zoom in my heart to the song. I look at Chloe. "I love it. Now I'm excited to watch this movie."

As I drive into downtown Chloe annotates the lyrics of some of the songs she plays. I listen to her carefully, as if it's a gift. When we're close to the place, she plays a song Benson showed her, that she's grown to love. I wanna vomit. (although the song is good)

I smile insincerely "That guys got great taste." Chloe nods "I know. Everyone says that." I add "I mean I'm not into men, but he's very handsome too." Chloe smiles goofily "He honestly is. I keep telling him, to go into modelling."

Fuck. Just kill me. I can't take anymore. Every one of my words are mendacious "Yes. But honestly he could do so much with his life. He's fantastic, really. I've always cared for Benson." Chloe smiles.

The movie makes both me and Chloe emotional, and after it I'm a fan of the singer definitely. Once we get back into the car, Chloe shows me on my phone that, the film got bad reviews. It stuns me a little bit, since i thought the idea was so interesting.

Chloe says "Right? What a bunch of idiots." I ask her "What was your favourite scene?" She smiles "The scene where they're both sitting in front of the view of the City together and Anne Hathaway's character starts singing that song about seeing the view from the Empire State Building And Johnny Flynn's character sings "Definitely not, I'm afraid of heights." And then in contrast to that scene, the end where she leaves him the little recording of the song and he sits in his car alone and smiles while listing to it."

I grin at Chloe. She raises her eyebrows "That was your favourite scene too?" I nod "It was. It was honestly the best scene and their acting was so soft there."

I check my phone, It's about twelve now. "Home now?" Chloe nods "Unless you want to get something to eat?" My heart fills with warmth to know Chloe still wants to hangout. I say "Where do you wanna go?"

Chloe answers "Lets get Pizza." I drive to the closest Pizza Hut I know, that's open till one am. When we get there, I hand her forty dollars and say "Get whatever you want. And don't you dare say you're gonna pay, you paid for the movie. So shut up."

Chloe laughs, and jumps out the car. I watch her walk inside, her hair flowing down her perfect shoulders and back. I proclaim out to the air "What a moment to be alive."

Sitting in my car at midnight after watching a movie with Chloe, eating pizza and talking. In this moment: I don't want to be anywhere else, I don't want to be anyone else. I rest my head back against my seat and feel sad all the sudden, why are we always in a new moment? why can't we pause the ones we like?

Chloe runs to the car like an idiot with the pizza, it makes me laugh. When she gets inside, she says "I thought I was going to slip."

I ask her. "Do you wanna eat here, or somewhere else?" She says "Maybe more closer to my Aunts." I say "Good thinking." I park on a street about five minutes away from her Aunts. She opens the box, and we both take a piece.

Even the sight of Chloe eating a slice of pizza, is more alluring then anything these eyes have ever seen. Chloe looks up at me "What?" I answer "You're funny." She said "Cause I ran to your car with a box of pizza?"

I chuckle "Yes, and just in general too. You're goofy." She goes for another piece. "Thanks, you're retarded sometimes too. But no one tops Leon." I laugh hard now, which makes Chloe laugh harder too "Seriously man, he's so stupid sometimes. I love it."

I shake my head gently "How'd he score Selene. She's so cool." Chloe's eyes go wide "RIGHT? Dude. I say that to him all the time!"

I ask "Man, doesn't it suck? how this is all going to be over in two and a half months?" Chloe nods sincerely "Yes then we'll all fly away." She pats my back affectionately "But my friend, at least we have these memories."

I look into Chloe's eyes "True." I look away again "Do you think we'll all still be friends?" Chloe shakes her head softly "No, not all of us. And not in the same way we were before." I feel like I've just gotten stabbed by a dagger, to the deepest part of my heart. I don't have the courage to ask what I want to, so I just nod in understanding.

We both end up eating three pieces of pizza before we say we're full. I tell Chloe to take the rest, she asks "Are you sure?" I say "Yes."

When we're in front of her aunts she asks me a bizarre question "Does the version of you I saw tonight, exist anywhere else?" I look Chloe in the eyes "No." She nods her head and steps out of my car. She waves goodbye before she walks inside.

What in the fuck did that question mean?