𝓑𝓲𝓷𝓭 S. Aizawa

Chapter 123 | Away From It All

My thighs hurt, my everywhere hurt. This is a hurtful reminder of last night, even though there's a sliver of me attracted to the thought of him making me sore. He was that good.

It's not fucking fair. I can't even tell if he's a good person, he hides from me. Why doesn't he want me to see him? If he just showed me Shota Aizawa none of this would have been so hard. He makes everything harder than it needs to be.

Although, I guess I'm in no position to make him anything because this isn't a perfect relationship.

I'm in pieces, and I'm too weak to use my legs and gather them. Pieces in my body, pieces with him, and pieces on that desk. I'm everywhere and so is he. He's not something you can forget, like where you left your phone. I can still feel him as if he's still touching me and I just want to cry. I want to cry because I can't bring myself to hate it, and I want to cry because I don't want to wash his touch off yet.

Why does it feel like we are leaving each other for ever, even though I know we aren't? This fucking hurts, I can't make it stop. I just need a shower, but I don't want to. I'm not the type of person where a shower washes all my bad thoughts away. Shower thoughts hit me like panic thoughts.

Thinking too hard is hazardous for me, especially when it feels like he doesn't think as hard as me. Is he taking this seriously? Is this hitting him as hard as it's hitting me? I want to see him cry, I think to make myself feel better. He's more than likely a beautiful crier so I shoved that thought away.

I'm not religious, but if I prayed, would things turn out good? Would the yellow brick road be paved out for me to skip along on and be happy? Will I ever be happy enough?

Achievement isn't always easy, especially when you've come to the problem of infinite happiness. There is no such thing as achieving that. It hurts knowing I've fallen in love with him. It really, really does. I can't contain feelings, no human really can, because they surface right back up. Especially when you even take a glance at something that reminds you of them. Or feel something that reminds you of them.

Sadness and anger remind me of him a lot, so does the aching of my joints. I don't regret anything up until this point, not really at least.

I want to believe him so bad, it's just hard when I can already see his track record. I'm always wanting and never getting. What the hell do I do with that? What do I do with that.

I can't decide anything for myself because I don't know what to decide. I know what I want, I know what I deserve, I just don't know what I can get. What I want is now very different from what I deserve. I convinced myself long ago that what I wanted was what I deserved. Now it's apparent I want something messy but I want love, and I don't deserve that. I probably won't get that either.

It's sad to face but I want love with him, I know that's so quick to say since we aren't even dating, but there's no other words for it. No other words for what I want and how I feel for him. It actually angers me how much I feel for him when he has given me ass-nothing. He's only shown me bits of nice things. Bits can turn into lots if he just opens the fuck up more.

His argument back in his apartment moments ago wasn't very good, it wasn't helpful for him or me. It was sad to hear but I expected this. I guess I'm the hypocrite anyway, I said I was fine with having something bad with him then I went on to say I wasn't. That I wanted something real with him, that I wanted everything to be real with him. How the hell is that even fair for me or him?

I couldn't even make up my own mind, will it change again? I really hope not, but while my mind is made I'm not going to let Aizawa win so easily with this argument. I'm not going to let him wander in here give me an ass two sentence speech of apology and forgive him. I deserve it, but I don't want it.

This is a big world, a huge one, anything can happen at anytime and he can fuck his hand for the rest of his life if he thinks I'll grovel at two sentences.