𝓑𝓲𝓷𝓭 S. Aizawa

Chapter 96 | What I Deserve

The same words over and over, yet I feel like maybe this is some sort of breakthrough. I'm not saying it's feelings, of course it isn't, this is too weird to be anything like that. There's just something there. There was something there when I beat the shit out of him, when he bit me, and when he was just next door last night. I could feel it in my stomach. Not saying it was butterflies, it was just that feeling of something.

I don't know if I should do anything about this something, even though I want to. That's against every physical school rule and every mental me rule. It's these rules that made me run out of that classroom, I needed a moment to myself, because that something started to eat at my stomach. That cannot happen in class, ESPECIALLY.

I have a feeling he won't make me happy. I understand that. All I've felt was confusion and anger, and sadness. It doesn't feel nice, it hurts a lot. There are certain things that can make up for it, so those certain things are what I need to see clearer if I want to give in to this. For just a moment, secretly, because I don't know how much these certain things will be there until I finally completely break.

That's what's going to happen, he will be the one to break me. Even now, he's already broken pieces of me, these little certain things are trying to piece me together. I see how uneasy it makes him to be truthful or anything other than arrogant so these certain things are his way of showing such small secret care. I've given him so many chances, it's up and down. Now it's time to give me a chance, because it's not about happiness, I won't get that, I know. It's about me, what I want, either it be lustfulness, desire, some type of deprivation, whatever, it's the path I think I might just take up.

I want to take it up, trust me I do, I feel I'm going to, it's just these rules. These rules are holding me back and I don't know how hard they'll decide to hit when the time comes, so I'm scared. I'll never talk about this to him, set some ground rules yes, but never let him into my mind openly. He can never know what I'm thinking, I won't let that happen. I'm so sure, and unsure of this that I feel like I'm in halves right now, but I'll figure it out, I'm too smart for this. I can do this.

I've never really had something like this before, I'm not that experienced in this lust field. I can figure it out along the way, no doubt. I wonder if this means we'd ever have sex along this long agonizing build up? I'm not really afraid of that, only the consequences of it per say. I feel like shit but I also feel like this realization has made me an open, better person. I don't deserve any relationship better than this anyway. The word marriage, even happiness, I am fully aware I will not obtain. I've accepted that, it's something I can openly say I understand. It helps it hurt just a percent less.

No amount of people I save will ever amount up to the people I let die as a child. I don't care how young I was, I knew what they were doing. So I'll pay for it, I've gotten way too much luckiness, being a pro hero and a UA teacher. It's time to give in to being manipulated and treated like shit in a bad relationship. It's the path for me and I know it.

These rules will be figured out along the way, whether I like it or not. I'm not forcing this on myself, I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm merely self-aware and understanding of what I truly deserve. I'm okay with it, I may even be a little excited, no, I am excited. This is going to be a rollercoaster, the type that are broken, so you fly off and die at the end. This time, it's a good thing, I'm ready to take everything head on, no matter what.

Maybe this isn't as serious as I'm making it out to be, but hey, as a pro hero things need to be made serious. I take serious thinking into my choices, and I think this is the right path to choose. Nothing less, nothing more. I'm not expecting anything more than this. I'm not expecting to be his girlfriend, I don't care what I am. I'll just let it flow as easy as I can, although I can't say I will not get mad at all. I will, I definitely will, but hopefully he'll see through it.