𝓑𝓲𝓷𝓭 S. Aizawa

Chapter 122 | Us

Aizawa's POV~

She stormed out of the door, my bed cover and all.

I fucked up, I really fucked up. Honestly I can't even think straight, what could I do? What could I do to make her believe me?

All she asked for me to do was give her time, what do I do with that? Do I wait for the next instructions on how I should unfuck this?

I groan, pulling my fingers down my face slowly.

What should I do? I did this, I hate to admit it, even though she isn't all innocent. She shouldn't have fucking pushed me.

She's acting like I planned to fuck her last night. I'm not saying it shouldn't have happened, it was just a pleasant surprise.

What I did do wrong was tell her everything was going to be real. At the time I really thought it was true, that I could do it.

She told me that if everything wasn't going to be real then she couldn't do 'us' anymore. I didn't want to give her false hope with telling her that it would be real, because I didn't even know where to begin with real. So, I gave her the one thing that was true, I had fallen far before she had. It's true, whether she chooses to believe it or not.

Then, after the sex, even if it was in the moment, I told her everything would be real. After everything with her, how I felt connected to her, in that moment I didn't know I was lying. I honestly thought the future would be real, especially with her because, not to be cheesy, but I could see it with her.

I faced it the next morning, realizing how I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I was to the fucking point where I saw a future with her, I haven't had that in years, say, decades, sadly.

I won't lie, I've been a man-whore, but I can't believe I ever thought I could be like that with her. I wanted to believe I could be, because I didn't want to commit to anything, it scared me. It just wasn't going to happen and I didn't want to face that she was going to change that about me after so long.

She's a mystical being, unreal but she wants everything to be real. I get that, I do. We wouldn't be bad together if I just faced everything head on. I can't believe I fucked everything up so bad to a point where every time I talk she thinks it's a lie. I went too far beyond the bad line, the good line was just to my side, but I messed it up.

Fuck, I just mess up everything good in my life.

I can only admit things in my head, I can't say things out loud. I don't care, it makes me feel weak, no matter what anybody says. Feelings, to me, are hard to go about. It's weakness coming from me, I can't deal with it, I've gone so long without it. I'm a successful, powerful person because of that. It's hard to come out of that shell.

It's hard because I feel so pressured to come out of it. Like she'll leave me if I don't come out of it, very soon. It's comfort for me, no matter how lonely it is.

Being with her is so enticing though, I won't deny that, I just can't be the bigger person right now. I think I need time too, I guess it's a good thing she asked first.

I'll admit I tortured her, okay? I did, but I just couldn't be away from her and the shell made sure I wasn't a gentleman.

She regrets last night, fuck. I can't think, I really hope in some crazy way, that she was lying. I don't want her to regret it, it was fucking insane. She's a fucking dream, being with her made me feel like a virgin all over again.

It's not all about sex, I know, I'm making sure it isn't. It just hurts to hear that she regretted it. No matter how messy and no matter that it wasn't love-making, it felt special.

She was so vulnerable in front of me, that was her, and that was me. And for that long moment, I was out of my shell, no drugs, no alcohol, no dickhead, just her. I wanted so bad to just take care of her and make sure she never cried again, but I couldn't promise her that. I can't promise her any shit like that, I'm a terrible person, how could I promise her that she wasn't going to cry on my accord ever again?

I could feel it in my gut, when I carried her passed out body to my apartment that no matter how much I had fallen, I would do something to mess it up.

I don't want her to be alone, I know she's crying, and it's because of me. I could fucking break down a wall just thinking of it. I'm the cause of her sadness.

What can I do to make her believe what I feel for her outweighs everything? What can I do to make her believe that I will come out of my shell forever, if she just believes me enough?

What the fuck do I do?