𝓑𝓲𝓷𝓭 S. Aizawa

Chapter 122 | Us

Aizawa's POV~

She stormed out of the door, my bed cover and all. Is it a bad time to say her ass looked great in my bed sheet?

I fucked up, I really fucked up. Honestly I can't even think straight, what can I do? What could I do to make her believe me? I've never thought this much in my damn life, this woman blows my mind.

All she asked for me to do was give her time, what do I do with that? Do I wait for the next instructions on how I should unfuck this? Like a sick puppy. Is that what I am now?

I groan, pulling my fingers down my face slowly.

What should I do? I did this, I hate to admit it, even though she isn't all innocent. She shouldn't have fucking pushed me. I pinch the bridge of my nose at that.

Little miss innocent is pulling the victim card because everything isn't going her way. Shes forcing my hand now, not to say that I don't want her. I think I want her more than anything, especially after last night. Not just the sex either, if I'll be honest, besides the times I tease her, I've never seen her so vulnerable. Not including this morning, seeing her as she was last night made new feelings and emotions wash over me, she was honest, raw. I think it may have caused me to bare my heart to her, I also wanted to tell her that I would kill that blonde bastard for laying a hand on her, but I didn't want to scare her.

She's acting like I planned to fuck her last night. I'm not saying it shouldn't have happened, it was just a pleasant surprise. A pleasant surprise that is worming its way into my head this moment. I shake my head, feeling it's not the most appropriate time to get horny. I need to take this time to figure out where it all went wrong and fix it.

What I did do wrong was tell her everything was going to be real. At the time I really thought it was true, that I could do it.

She told me that if everything wasn't going to be real then she couldn't do 'us' anymore. I didn't want to give her false hope with telling her that it would be real, because I didn't even know where to begin with real. So, I gave her the one thing that was true, I had fallen far before she had. It's true, whether she chooses to believe it or not.

Then, after the sex, even if it was in the moment, I told her everything would be real. After everything with her, how connected I felt to her, in that moment I didn't know I was lying. I honestly thought the future would be real, especially with her because, not to be cheesy, but I could see it with her. That doesn't mean marriage, that's not what I'm fucking saying, I'm talking about dating, if you could believe it.

I faced it the next morning, realizing how I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I was to the fucking point where I saw a future with her, I haven't had that in years, say, decades, sadly. Maybe at all? Fuck if I remember I'm in my thirties.

I won't lie, I'm no stranger to sleeping around, but I can't believe I ever thought I could be like that with her. I wanted to believe I could be, because I didn't want to commit to anything, it scared me. It just wasn't going to happen and I didn't want to face that she could possibly change that about me after so long.

She's honestly unreal but she wants everything between us to be real. I get that, I do. We wouldn't be bad together if I just faced everything head on. I can't believe I fucked everything up so bad to a point where every time I talk she thinks it's a lie. I went too far beyond the bad line, the good line was just over the horizon, but I messed it up.

Fuck, I just mess up everything good in my life.

I can only admit things in my head, I can't say things out loud. I won't. It makes me feel weak. Feelings, to me, are hard to go about. It's weakness coming from within me, I can't deal with it, I've gone so long without it. I'm a successful, powerful person because of that. It's hard to come out of that shell.

It's hard because I feel so pressured to come out of it. Like she'll leave me if I don't come out of it, very soon. It's comfort for me, no matter how lonely it is. She wants me to change that comforting thing about myself and I'm not so sure I should.

Being with her is so enticing though, I won't deny that, I just can't be the bigger person right now. I think I need time too, I guess it's a good thing she asked first.

I'll admit I tortured her, alright? I did, but I just couldn't stay away from her, and that comforting shell made sure I wasn't a gentleman. She's so easy to tease, I can't get enough of her.

She regrets last night, fuck. I can't think, I really hope in some crazy way, that she was lying. I don't want her to regret it, it was fucking insane. She's a fucking dream, being with her made me feel like a virgin all over again.

It's not all about sex, I know, I'm making sure it isn't. It just hurts to hear that she regretted it. No matter how messy and no matter that it wasn't love-making, it felt special.

Vulnerability was so prominent in that moment, that was her, and that was me. And for that long moment, I was out of my shell, no fuckboy, no alcohol, no dickhead, just her. I wanted so bad to just take care of her and make sure she never cried again, but I couldn't promise her that. I can't promise her any shit like that, I'm a terrible person, how could I promise her she wasn't going to cry on my account ever again?

I could feel it in my gut, when I carried her, peacefully sleeping, to my apartment that no matter how much I had fallen, I would do something to mess it up. Everything I go near just crumbles.

I don't want her to be alone, I know she's crying, and it's because of me. I could fucking break down a wall just thinking of it. I'm the cause of her sadness, her heartache, her hurt.

What can I do to make her believe what I feel for her outweighs everything? What can I do to make her believe that I will come out of my shell forever, if she just believes me enough? What can I do to make sure she's mine?

What the fuck do I do?