𝓑𝓲𝓷𝓭 S. Aizawa

Chapter 121 | Time

His eyes are red. It doesn't look like he's crying but his face is carved in anguish. His features are sad and angry at the same time, confused too. His hair is a mussed up black mess, his curls untamed, I hate that he always looks so sexy.

"If that's what you want." He says, hesitantly, letting his hand fall back to his side, but he won't break our eye contact.

"It is." I turn around, deciding I don't care who sees me in the hallway. "Time isn't unlimited, but I need enough to think."

I don't turn around to look at him, in fear I'll see his hurt expression and lose my nerve. "Goodbye, Shota."

I open the front door, not waiting for any response and head for my apartment. Opening the door, I slam it and rip his cover off of me, bunching it then throwing it at the wall.

I opened my mouth to give out a loud pathetic wail but I slapped my hand over it. I don't want him to hear me, I want him to be struggling as much as me. Wondering if I'm in ruins about what happened. I am, but all he's going to get out of me were those mere tears in his apartment.

I bit onto my fingers as tears drenched my hands and face. I need to get it out, throw up, anything, I feel so sick.

It doesn't even make sense how I fell in love with him. How did I find his torture likable? The kindness. It was there, just sometimes, it was hard to see. Was it all a lie though? What the hell? He never officially stated that we were together last night, I know that. It just doesn't feel right, it feels fucked up. Him telling me we were real should have been enough though, no?

He admitted to falling for me a long time ago, that everything thereafter would be real. What a fucking crock, he woke up this morning in a completely different headspace. I guess pussy can cause a person to say whatever it takes to get it.

He was right about a few things, but I still can't help putting that against him, it hurts. I don't want to face that I'm in the wrong too because I can't stop thinking about the things he did wrong. I know I am pushing him into a relationship when he specifically stated he wouldn't be able to do that. I mean the time frame between our first agreement and then agreeing to let everything be real between us was very slim. I didn't give him much time to think about it. But that fucker should have said something before he had sex with me.

"It was real in the moment." I mimick with air quotes and my tongue out. I huff, letting tears continuously fall as I cross my arms to my naked body.

I know I'm in the wrong also, it's just hard to look at because I can only focus on him.

Neither of us are good people, I know that. It's pretty obvious. I don't know why I expected so much out of him, I haven't seen a clean record.

I guess I was just blinded by how he was starting to act that I forgot about everything else. Besides today, last night was a dream. And honestly I don't regret it, not for one second. I just wanted to hurt him, and maybe that was fucked up, but I'm too hurt to care right now.

The only reason I said I did was to get my point across, because he just wasn't fucking getting it. I felt like he would only actually listen to me if I hurt him.

He was giving me my space like I asked but I don't even know what to believe anymore. He has no fucking proof of anything. All he can do is just say he does, and I'm sorry but that just isn't going to cut it right now. He said empty things last night, so how am I suppose to know when he's being sincere?

I don't know what he can do to apologize, or make me feel better. If he even genuinely wants to. I'm not asking for something big, I'm asking for proof, and another sex-sesh isn't going to work. No matter how amazing it was, I'm not a nympho. I won't be bribed with sex.

I've fallen in love with him, let's hope he doesn't use that against me, because that's messed the fuck up. It's not an advantage, because if what he's saying is, somehow, in some type of universe, true, then he feels the same way.

All I want right now is to be back in his apartment, how embarrassing.

How would it look? Me, running back to him after he just gifted me time. It's pathetic. I don't know how much time I'm going to need but I'm going to spend it off campus for a day or two. I can't be here. Even when I come back I want to be away from class. I want to be away from class forever.

I can't sit at that fucking desk, not while I shouldn't even be there in the first place.

I want to forgive him, and run back to him. I really want to, but I can't. I have no idea why it had to be him I fell in love with. This is so difficult.

I can't give in because it doesn't feel right, he doesn't deserve to be taken back that easily. And maybe I don't either, that makes us both bad people. What a perfect match.

I slam my naked body on the couch because I'm so sore all over, it hurts to even move my thighs. A reminder of last night.

If I could bathe in last night, replaying it over and over, believing everything he said, I think I would. It was magical, I know that's oblivious to everything after and that's just hiding myself away from reality, but I can't help being selfish. It really was a night to remember and even if he did happen to be lying about falling in love with me long before then, those words will still stick with me.

He's either a master manipulator or he's a romantic fuck. And I want to believe number one because I feel like being selfish and I feel like having a reason to hate him. Choke me because I can't believe him for anything, I'm wrapped around his finger anyway. For his sake I hope he's a romantic fuck.

For now I need to figure this out.

What the fuck do I do?