Our Yesterday's Escape (University Series #6)

18

"I apologize for what happened between us. I believe I still played a part in hurting you." 

Maybe it was the fear of karma... that what I did will always come back to me. When Kierra said she wanted to get to know me more, I didn't want her to know me like this. I wanted to make amends with the people I was harsh with before or the people I hurt because I did not want to commit. Although I never failed to remind myself that I will never get into a serious relationship, I still played a part in causing pain. 

But it was not the sole reason. It was also because of what I did to my dad. I did not want to be like him. I would never become like him. Just the thought scared me. 

"Ang tagal na noon, Shan, and we're goods naman na now, ano ka ba!" Tumawa pa siya. Well, most of the girls I had been with also became my friends, so it was easy for me to contact them. Although I couldn't say that we were ever so close with each other as how I was close with Hiro, Helen, Ericka, and others. 

"I know but-"

"You feel guilty? Why? Did you get yourself a girl?" Ngumisi siya at tumaas ang kilay sa akin. "And you don't want to be that guy anymore, huh?" 

"It's not because of that. I just... thought of some things," I told her. I thought of this a lot. I knew that someday I will get tired of what I used to do before, and that time finally came... but the past never failed to haunt me. It was starting to bother me after getting over it. "Anyway, I don't want to keep you busy, so..." 

When I told Hiro what I was doing, that asshole laughed at me and teased me again about being in love. Hah... In love? I could never imagine myself being in love. My view of love never changed. It never will. 

"Did it lessen your worries? After apologizing to the people you have hurt before..." my doctor asked while I was in a session. After what I did to my dad, I felt like I had to come back. I really thought I was getting better. Maybe I was at first... but seeing that man always made me lose myself.

"Yes, hearing them say that they forgive me... Yes, it feels good," I answered. "I'm done... I don't want to be my dad." 

"You are not your dad, Ciandrei. And that's good that you can say out loud that you don't want to be like him. You're aware of right and wrong actions." She nodded and gave me a small smile. "Do you still think of your mom?" 

"Yes. You're going to ask me what I feel. I feel guilty. Aside from that, I feel sad because I miss her. Also, regrets. I feel regrets... for not wanting to spend time with her and my stepdad because I was stubborn." 

"You are not stubborn. You just could not trust people easily because of what happened to your dad. Your feelings in that situation were valid, and you told me that your stepdad understood... It is not your fault." 

I knew. I knew how my mind worked... It was just whenever I was with Alfred, I would lose control of my mind and my feelings. All I wanted was to inflict the pain he inflicted on me emotionally. I wanted to damage him, too... but I was also aware that revenge was not good. My mom did not think of revenge. She stayed and tolerated all of that for me. Putting myself in that situation now, I understood how hard it was for her.