So just pull the trigger.

2. Could we talk?

It felt weird to see Joni, after all that time, seeing him in real instead of just some magazine or TV ad. Kasper did his best to concentrate on playing and keep his curious eyes away from the brunet's direction, still, his presence in the same room was strangely distracting. Joni was certainly one of those not easily forgotten. 

The brown-eyed boy had caught his eye on the very first day he entered the same classroom as him. Having gotten back from Miami, where he had spent the previous year as an exchange student, Helsinki, and especially their high school, had felt so small and dull. In a world that had felt gray and gloomy to him then, Joni just walked in and brought a spark of exotic light with him that instantly brightened Kasper's days. His laughter had been so soft and catching, his spirit so full of life. That certain carelessness in his attitude that Kasper had both envied and admired. Joni had succeeded where many others would have failed; being openly gay while still holding on to the popular kid status.

It had been clear, though, that Joni was well aware of just how good-looking he was and Kasper hadn't thought he stood a chance of receiving Joni's attention.  So he had at first been contented on watching him quietly, admiring from afar. He had watched how some older guys had carefully gravitated near him, no doubt making suggestions that Joni had either accepted or refused depending on his whimsical mind. Kasper had wanted to be as brave and approach, but no matter how he had searched for the other's gaze, it had never seemed to answer his hopeful call. He had dreamed, foolish schoolboy dreams and Joni had been the one whose pictures he looked at while jerking off and afterward felt ashamed of how hopeless his dreams seemed in real life.

Joni had seemed to have plenty of admirers and always seemed to have something going on. Kasper had heard quietly spoken rumors but couldn't be sure if they were true or not. Someone had said that Joni was screwing with some photographer, and another claimed that he had heard Joni giving head to some modeling agent and that was how he had gotten the modeling contract. Most of these rumors were most likely just jealous gossip, and in these rumors, Joni had had a more colorful sex life than he did in reality. Joni hadn't seemed to care though, not even about the nastiest and wildest rumors and Kasper's admiration for him had only grown.

Then Eva had started to date Joni's best friend and so he had gotten a bit closer to the object of his attraction and when, against all other previous signs, Joni had suddenly paid attention to him, Kasper had felt on top of the world! In a way, he had known all along that Joni's feelings were someplace else and had guessed that the person was Misha after seeing the tension between them. But he had hoped that Joni would forget the man, hoped that with time deeper feelings would emerge, that as long as he was good to Joni and loved him, then sooner or later he would fall for him too. 

After getting Joni into his bedroom as he had so often dreamed about, he decided to fulfill his fantasy. Partly knowingly he hadn't asked whether it was okay to go that far. He hadn't wanted to hear the possible denial. And when Joni had asked him to stop he hadn't wanted to listen to that either and carried on regardless.

And when it was over and done with and Joni had rejected him, filled with anger and disgust, Kasper had been broken with guilt as well as his aching heart. It was then that bitterness and anger got to him. He hadn't even had the guts to tell Eva, who he had been friends with since kindergarten, what had really happened. 

He had allowed Eva to believe that Joni was the sole bad guy in the story, that Joni had slept with him and then just ditched him after. He hadn't wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He had managed to convince himself that he had just given Joni what he had asked for. Now, these years later, studying in law school and having matured, he felt the shame of his past actions heavy on his mind.