So just pull the trigger.

48. I don't know what to say to you

The feeling of rage came with a delay. The first days he had felt like walking through a thick fog.

They had arranged two crisis therapists to talk with him the very next day after he got home but he remembered very little of the conversation, or how long they had stayed. There had been two of them, right? Joni wasn't sure. His mind was in turmoil, and everything felt somehow unreal.

His siblings were not home for those first two nights and when they had come home, Joni realized how much of what had happened affected everyone. They were not home when he first woke up to the nightmares. He had woken up sweaty after struggling with Aki in his sleep. Misha had been there, next to him, and calmed him down. At first, Joni had panicked and tried to push his partner further away. The reality was cold and the realization that what had happened wouldn't go away.

His brothers were troubled with the whole thing and how to act around him. Sini had more effortlessly reached out, staying close, her small hands wrapped around him for a hug that lasted a long time. And while his little brothers said they were happy that he was home and safe, which was true of course, Joni saw something else behind that joy. 

They didn't want to be at home if he was there. There was a lot of complex emotions. What had happened to him was far too messy to deal with. They didn't know how to deal with it, and they were young to have to know or try.

Joni knew he couldn't stay, his father and Katja would have said otherwise, of course, because they had to, but...

That anxiety was growing, he didn't know where to go. He didn't want to return to their home with Misha, the idea of ​​having to go to the elevator or walk up the stairs and run into neighbors was too distressing.

Joni was in his room, staring at his finger, the scar of the cigarette burn and all the compassion he had initially felt for Chris, seemed to melt and turn into rage. It was hard to handle, it ran through his whole being. Everything had changed and everything was ruined. His life was ruined! He wanted to scream out and break things! He wanted to wail and cry out like a little child. But his siblings were at home, and they would be frightened. It was hard to breathe. So fucking hard to breathe.

"I talked with Dima and Ivo," Joni woke up to Misha's voice. "We could move back with them. I thought maybe it's better. Dima again... He said that he could in turn temporarily move into our apartment. He would be able to focus even better on his studies. "

Everyone was ready for changes for his sake. How much did Misha have to put up with? The man had been patient. And this was hard for him too, but Misha didn't talk about it. Joni brought his hand to his face, his eyes stinging, his emotions raw and on the surface. He tried to swallow back tears. 

"Joni," Misha's voice was soft. The blond man came closer and sat down next to him. "You don't have to be strong. Let us be for you, okay?" Carefully and thoughtfully, Misha wrapped his arms around him.

Joni startled slightly, but finally took the hug, snuggling closer to Misha's chest, and cried. Misha stroked his hair. "We'll get through this," Misha said. "I know it."

Joni didn't know how. The anxiety felt overwhelming. Joni didn't know how to go out. A horrible feeling that everyone would look at him and everyone would know. Joni already knew what the press was saying. Although his identity had been concealed, some had already guessed it. Rumors spread like cancer. His brothers didn't want to go to school. They were ashamed, ashamed of the whole thing and him, though they would never admit it out loud.

"I can't stand this... I can't..." That burn mark on his finger, it couldn't be hidden.

Misha held him, his hand in his hair soothing. "We'll get through this together, it will get easier." Misha said. "You are not alone."