So just pull the trigger.

43. And now you want to talk about it?

Joni looked up as Chris poured wine into his glass. The atmosphere was weird and changed. The nature of Chris had changed. The man no longer seemed angry, but melancholy. And this change made him nervous, although the threat of violence no longer seemed so obvious yet... Joni realized that some moment of settlement was at hand.

"I want you to drink with me today," Chris said and lifted the glass to his lips looking at him. Joni took a hold of his glass slowly, it felt better not to resist.

After taking a sip, Chris grabbed his fork and knife. "Let's eat."

Joni didn't dare say anything. He felt Chris's intense stare that made him grab his cutlery. He didn't have an appetite but knew it would be good to even try to get the food down.

He brought the first forkful into his mouth, too aware that Chris was watching him. And he chewed on his chicken pieces troubled, even swallowing felt awkward.

"I had thought we could travel to Alaska together." Chris finally said and sipped the wine. "I thought we'd find a cottage there. When I was a kid, I thought it would be cool, get out there... Or somewhere. Where one could find peace. Where no one, that you didn't want, could find you."

Joni looked at his ex-boyfriend, unsure how to react. Chris smiled. "I didn't plan this very well. It must seem clear by now," Chris brought the glass to his lips again. Joni didn't know what to say, unsure of what to grab. His heart pounded nervously in his chest. Joni grabbed his own glass and brought it to his lips. He drank and tried to calm down. That was hard. He lowered the glass to the table and took the fork and knife again.

"You haven't really talked to me about your childhood," Joni finally said, looking at Chris cautiously. The man smiled.

"And now you want to talk about it?" Chris emptied the contents of his glass down and poured himself more.

"I don't think there will be a better moment." Joni replied in a more tired voice than he would have liked.

"That's the Joni I remember," Chris said with a small grin. "Cheeky," he added before taking another sip from his glass. The man fell silent for a moment and stared at the contents of his glass before sighing. "My dad was... no, is. A violent drunk." Chris spun the glass in his hand and smiled. "I hated him... Yet sometimes I supported the hope that he could change, that he could learn to like me. Then I hated him again and now... I've changed into being just like him, right? Chris looked straight at Joni, who couldn't hold his gaze for long. "I wanted to forget it. I never wanted to be like my father, but it happened so gradually, like an illness you can't escape from."

"You can still get better," Joni said cautiously after considering his words. "You can right now, it's not too late..."

Chris smiled and spun the glass in his hand. "I'd be imprisoned for years, you know?" He asked and took a sip. "And you say it's not too late?"

Joni couldn't answer that. Despair tightened his throat, questions he didn't dare ask criss-crossed his mind. "Aki killed that man... Yegor," he finally said quietly, uncertainly. "You didn't want that."

"Do you think they're interested in who pulled the trigger?" Chris asked, almost contemptuously. "I'm still a murderer and a depriver of liberty."

Joni was silent, losing the last remnants of his appetite. "My family is worried," he noted. "Aki said he demanded a ransom from my dad... Dad must be out of his mind with worry." Joni did his best to face Chris's gaze, which was still cold.

Chris was silent and took another sip of his drink. The gloomy look hardened his features. "Your father... You didn't even realize how lucky you were to have such a parent. I liked your father. If my own father cared even a third of what your father cares for you... "Chris spoke in bitter tone.