So just pull the trigger.

45. It's done

Joni looked at Chris nervously, his whole body trembled and for a moment he thought he was ready to pull the trigger just to end this. Chris stood there, naked in front of him, unprotected and all the violence the man had inflicted on him... He felt nausea spreading in his abdomen, bitterness of what Chris had destroyed. Chris had broken him, and those shattered pieces of his existence would be even harder to put together so he could continue as before.

Joni gritted his teeth, the proximity of Chris' naked body made him nervous, and he kept his eyes on the man's face. Chris's eyes narrowed.

"Just pull the trigger already! End this!" Chris gasped as tears flowed from his eyes. 

Joni felt tightness in his throat, he sobbed, squeezing the gun in his still trembling hands. The conflict he felt swept through his mind. Just one move of his finger and it would be final. Chris would be gone forever, physically at least, but at the same time, he would have to carry this decision and this moment in his heart and mind forever. It would not repair what was already broken but would break even further. And it could be such a huge crack in his being that it could no longer be fixed at all.

It was hard to breathe. His hands felt weak, a desperate breath escaping his lips, some mixture of grief and despair.

"I don't want to kill you, please don't force me to do it," Joni whispered. "I just want to go home, let me go home, Chris... If you really care about me, let me go."

Chris held his gaze, frowned, and tears slowly began to run from his eyes. Joni heard his own fierce breath.

"I have nothing, you understand?" Chris finally gasped. And Joni didn't have time to react when Chris suddenly raised his hand to his own and tried to take the gun away from him. Joni panicked, Chris pressed closer, and Joni tried to twist himself free while holding the gun in his grip. "Without you, I have nothing!" The gun fired once, a bullet shooting somewhere past them.

It was dim and difficult to see properly, Joni's heart rate was high, and the adrenaline was flowing in his veins. They struggled with the gun. It was difficult to see the situation clearly. With a strong thud, Joni felt his head hit the wall, a cry escaped his lips and his grip slipped. "Why would I want to live?" He heard Chris mutter and at the same time realized the gun was now in Chris's hands.

Tears stung his eyes. Despair choked his throat. He had not been able to act at the crucial moment and that weakness could now cost his life. They were still staring at each other, Chris took a step closer and pressed the barrel of his gun to his temple Joni felt his body stiffen; his eyes closed. He would die, this was it. Maybe it would be so fast that he wouldn't even have time to understand it when everything was already over. 

He didn't want to die. 

"Why would I want to live?" Chris asked in a quieter voice and Joni felt the gun move from his temple. The weight of the deadly weapon was replaced by a warm touch that made him open his eyes. Chris looked into his eyes and Joni barely dared to breathe. Chris lowered his hand slowly, looking around before stepping towards the table.

Joni released his breath and slid slowly to the floor on his knees. His head ached and frustrated despair drove him to a repressed sob.

**

Chris's steps were heavy, he felt numb. He glanced at Joni, who had sunk to the floor on his knees crying. Chris had been ready to die, he had been ready to receive the bullet that would end his life. And that monster in him had raised its head for a moment after Joni had asked for freedom without giving him the death he had been thirsting for at the time. He dropped his gun on the table and slowly got dressed before sitting down and pouring himself a glass of whiskey.