So just pull the trigger.

49. Would you like a cup of tea?

Adam carried a wooden urn in his hands. It was a strange moment, all that was left of his childhood friend was in that box. The urn felt strangely light and heavy at the same time. His throat tightened and his eyes burned. He was angry with Chris, angry that it had all ended this way. At the same time, he was angry with himself, imagining that he might have been able to do something to prevent everything.

Suvi did not come to the blessing. Their marriage was in crisis. In a crisis because of Chris. Suvi had a hard time understanding his grief. Yes, she had tried, but Suvi saw the trauma of her cousin, one that Chris had caused, and it was hard for her to see the man behind the evil that Chris had done. Adam understood, but at the same time he would have needed the support of his wife, that she would have understood why he had to get a blessing and a decent funeral for Chris.

Chris hadn't been a member of the church, but Adam had arranged a blessing before the ashes would be scattered in the memorial grove.

"As a kid, I wished I could have belonged to your family. I sometimes secretly hoped that your parents would have adopted me." Chris had revealed the last time they had seen each other, when Adam had spent the night in his apartment. It had moved Adam.

"I thought of you as my brother." Adam had replied and he remembered Chris smiling sadly without facing his gaze, Chris had nodded.

"You thought." 

"I didn't mean..." Adam had started but Chris then interrupted. 

"Let it be Adam, that's okay."

"But..." Adam had tried. Chris had risen. "I'll get another beer; do you want one?" The matter was no longer discussed.

Now it was aching Adam's heart. The evil that Chris had done did not erase the good he remembered. And now all that remorse, he felt he had betrayed his friend. He felt he had let Joni down as well. Had he intervened more, been more present perhaps this latest tragedy could have been avoided?

He had invited Chris' parents and brother to the funeral, but they had chosen not to come. Not even the few friends Chris had. His own parents came. Adam was grateful for that. They stood beside him and as he felt the movement flow through him as he listened to the priest's words, his mother pulled him close, and his father touched his shoulder comfortingly.

The ashes were spread. It was over. Adam wanted to be alone for a moment. He looked at the nearby forest and wondered where his friend's soul would now go? He wanted to believe in heaven, he wanted to believe that Chris' soul would be forgiven.

The day before, he had talked to Joni.

"I'll survive." Joni had answered when he had asked about his well-being. "How are you?" Joni had asked then, and it felt strange, for at the same time his wife seemed to be indifferent about his feelings about it. The fact that Joni asked how he was doing after what he had been though, moved him.

"All right. I..." He was hesitant. "The burial is tomorrow ... his ashes I mean, so..." Adam felt silly, he didn't know why he had said that. Joni was quiet at the other end. "Sorry... You don't have to hear about it."

"I often hate him." Joni finally said quietly, suffocated. "And then... then I'm sorry... sad..." The younger man swallowed, and Adam felt tears in his eyes. "I hate him, I grieve for him and I'm angry that he died. Then I'm grateful that he died and again I am sorry that he died... fuck..."

Adam heard Joni crying and burst into tears himself without being able to say anything. "I don't know if I can forgive but I want to try," Joni finally added. "You have the right to mourn him, Adam and it's okay to talk about it... And maybe... Maybe you're the only one I can talk to about my own grief... it's so damn complicated. I don't think anyone else understands that," Joni laughed miserably. "It's hard for me to understand too."