A Beast's Heart (english version)

35.

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When I opened my eyes the next time, this oppressive feeling in my head had subsided again. The tiredness and the resulting stupor still pulled at me like lead, and I was still quite dizzy, but the tea and these cloths around my legs seemed to have really helped. At least as far as it could in the short time.
I looked around and noticed that a fire was crackling again in the fireplace on the opposite side of the room. On the small table beside me was still my cup, but refilled again. At my feet on the corner of the bed squatted Lena, leaning against the wooden bedpost that reached up to the ceiling. She had her arms folded in front of her chest and her eyes closed. She seemed to be asleep. Careful not to wake her, I slid a little more into a sitting position and reached for the cup of tea. It was no longer hot, but not too cold either. So it couldn't stand there for too long.
I took a tiny sip and frowned in disgust. Thyme tea tasted disgusting! But it seemed to help, I had just been able to find a dreamless sleep for the first time in a long time. That made up for the disgusting taste a little.
I noticed how Lena twitched and put the cup down. Intrigued, I leaned forward slightly as she murmured softly to herself. Something about "mother" and "father". Her face suddenly contorted and she began to whimper softly. You don't seem to be the only one who suffers from nightmares, it occurred to me, and without giving it a second thought, I sat up properly and reached out to her. Gently I put it on her shoulder and shook it a little.
"Lena, wake up. You're just having a nightmare."
I saw the exact tears as she opened her eyes and looked around. She almost fell off the bed to the floor as she stumbled to her feet and looked at me, startled.
"Forgive me, my lord, I must have fallen asleep."
"Looks like it, yes," I replied, watching her closely. An awkward silence spread through the room and I cleared my throat. Only then did her mind seem to kick back in, as she renewed the cloths again and then added new logs to the fire.
"Are you hungry now?" she asked, seeming relieved to be able to do something. Actually, I didn't feel the slightest appetite, but I nodded.
"Yes, not a very big one though."
"I will bring you something!"
She stumbled briskly out of the room, seeming more than just uncomfortable. To anyone else, I would have resented that. It was not seemly to sleep while working. However, I saw exactly the shadows under her eyes every day and the realisation that she suffered from nightmares softened my mood. Everyone needed sleep at some point, that was clear. But I was now more interested than ever in what had happened to her family...

~~~

How can you just fall asleep at work?! And right under Tywin's nose!
Actually, I couldn't help it, I had been so tired. The lack of sleep last night had made itself felt, plus I was putting my last reserves of strength into the lord's recovery. I hoped he would appreciate that one day!
He was far from being out of the woods, his body temperature was still too high and his chills too strong. I feared a relapse. My mother had explained to me at the time that one could succumb to his fever. It had almost been like that with my brother. Somehow I felt a slight panic when I thought that Lord Tywin might die. Then you'd have one less problem, what's bothering you about it now, I asked myself, frowning. Something seemed to have changed. However, I neither knew when it was nor what it was.
I returned to the lord with a small bowl of soup and immediately felt my cheeks getting hot. Along with it, a sinking feeling spread through my stomach. I handed him the bowl and turned to go. I didn't want to stay with him, I felt very uncomfortable under his gaze.
"Thank you, Lena. Now where are you going again?"
Hastily I searched for a valid reason, staring at the floor. I didn't want to meet his gaze, I just couldn't. The shame was too great.
"See to your horse, my lord."
Without waiting for his reply, I hurried out. The sinking feeling seemed to turn increasingly into nausea. It was only when I looked into the horse's faithful eyes that I was able to calm down a little. Big, round and dark they were, yet there was a twinkle in them as if the animal was looking straight into my soul - and understanding me.
"What's happening to me?" I asked quietly, running my fingers through the soft white fur on its neck. The horse blinked once before suddenly lowering its head and pressing its muzzle against my chest. I felt my heart beating, faster and louder than usual. Then I shook my head in thought and gave the horse its food.
"Now I'm already entertaining myself with animals, what's next?"
Outside in the yard it was pouring rain. But this time I did not bother to run. I walked slowly towards the castle until I suddenly stopped, closed my eyes and raised my face to the sky. I felt the cold water on my face. I felt it running down my neck and drenching me. But it felt good. Cold was what I knew. Cold was what I lived with. Only the cold, nothing else...