A Beast's Heart (english version)

37.

Throughout the night I remained sitting by Lord Tywin's side. In between, I would fall asleep, but when I woke up again, his hand was still resting on mine and he didn't seem to have moved. Each time I would then stare at the blanket to check if he was still breathing. And I was relieved to see it rise and fall with each of his breaths.
With the next dawn, I got up and went to the window. On the horizon far beyond the walls I saw mist creeping across the open land, life was slowly awakening again in the courtyard below me. I was considering going out when I heard a hoarse voice behind me.
"Did I give you permission to get up?"
I turned and looked into bleary blue eyes. He seemed a little stronger than the day before and when I returned to him and put my hand on his forehead, the fever seemed to have gone down a little. Relief filled me, even though I did not trust this apparent improvement.
"What can I do for you, Lord Tywin?"
"I would like to take a bath. I am unwell!"
I was more than pleased to hear that.
"Of course, my lord. I'll get the big wash tub ready."

Some time later I propped him up the five steps across the room back to bed. All the lying down of the last few days had weakened his legs considerably and he was in danger of falling at once. He had washed himself while I laid out a new robe for him. Now he lay back under the covers as if of his own accord, while I lit a new fire in the fireplace.
"How do you feel, my lord?"
"Better, I think. I hope this will soon be over."
"You are not the only one who hopes so, my lord."
I straightened up and took a seat in the chair again. Fatigue tugged heavily at me, but I pulled myself together not to show him.
"Do you have another wish?"
He looked at me wearily.
"Tell me a story, Lena."
"I don't know any good stories, my lord."
"Then tell me about yourself."
I bit my lip. I had actually hoped not to have to tell him anything more about myself.
"Well, I've travelled a lot in the last few years."
"You've travelled a lot?"
I took a deep breath.
"Yes, but only ever stayed in the Riverlands. Though actually my goal was to get out of here. The gods have a strange sense of humour."
He stroked his beard, appraising me with scrutinising eyes. As far as he was still able to with his little strength.
"So why are you still here if you were supposed to leave?"
I looked out of the window thoughtfully.
"Maybe it's my punishment. I've been walking different streets for years. Apparently I always chose the wrong turn and started my search again. I stayed somewhere, hoping for a new home, but even there my shadows caught up with me. This is the price of my early disobedience. Mother ordered me to always stay with the family in the market, but I ran ahead. I saw them die, father, mother and my little brother. The images haunt me. Their screams haunt me. I run and run, but always in a vicious circle. I will probably never be free. Instead, my inner beast lives for me, growing bigger every day. And no one can stop it from devouring my heart. One day, at least I hope, all my feelings will be gone. A life without pain, that's what I wish for."
I turned my gaze back to him, swallowing down the burgeoning breakdown. He was silent for a moment, looking at me piercingly. This was not the Lord Tywin the world knew. This one was thoughtful and almost snivelling.
"And suppose you were to encounter another beast.... Would it be possible to have these two beasts fight each other to save the badly wounded hearts behind them?"
I looked at him for a long moment, then briefly placed my hand on his still hot forehead and once more changed the wrappings around his calves.
"You should rest, my lord. Wars cannot be won by fever."
He nodded curtly, closed his eyes and was asleep moments later. This was not the Lannister leader I hated with an abyss. This was not the cruel, cold beast.
I looked at him for a long time, then leaned forward as if in slow motion to breathe a kiss almost tenderly on his forehead. I didn't know why and I hated myself for it, but it felt good to care for him.
"Our beasts have been fighting with each other since we first met, my lord," I whispered hesitantly. I wonder if I would have known that side of him if he hadn't come down with a fever.
It was that moment when I first saw a gossamer tiny smile on the lion's face. With his eyes closed, he lay there peacefully and I no longer felt any hatred. Only a warm feeling spread through my stomach as I felt my heart beating for the first time in years. Really beat. And it felt unusually good.
Barely noticeably, I stroked his beard and unconsciously began to hum softly. And I was seized with an ice-cold shock when I realised what song was playing. It was the Rains of Castamere that left my lips....