A Beast's Heart (english version)

38.

"Lena! Lena, help us!"
The screams tore the air, penetrated my hearing shrilly. I listened up, jerked my head up. With a dull thump, the basket fell from my hand to the floor; I ignored it and ran, going after the screams. Once again I found my parents lying in the dust, my father spitting blood. Mother was still calling out to me before she sank back lifeless. I screwed up my face, then felt two big hands on my shoulders, spinning me around. My vision blurred under the tears, I felt a large body, two arms enclosing me and pressing me against a warm chest.
"Don't look," I heard Lord Tywin whisper, "look at me."
Crying, I looked up, straight into the lion's blue eyes.
"Look at me...Focus only on me now..."
Gently he spoke to me, while behind my back there was already singing again.
"Don't listen, focus only on me now..."
He spoke to me like a mantra, always keeping his eyes on me. His hand stroked my back, then he slowly walked backwards. I staggered after him, totally dazed and confused.
"Come with me..."
Behind him, something suddenly towered. A monster as big as a castle. It growled and glared at me from blood-red eyes. I saw the razor-sharp long teeth in its mouth and registered how it slowly leaned down towards me. Panic broke out in me. But before it snapped at me, another beast appeared, grey and even more terrifying. It lunged from behind me, digging its claws into Tywin's beast. He held me tightly in his arms as the two beasts raged and fought above us. I hid my face against his chest as the beasts roared in pain. It was too much for me. All I wanted to do was hide, flee from the disaster.
The next time I looked at Tywin, he was looking down at me gently. A slight smile played around the corners of his mouth and he tilted his head slightly.
"Let them fight," he whispered and darkness fell around us, "Let them tear each other apart, let me take care of you." ...

I winced in shock and almost fell out of my little bed. For three days I had been having these dreams. Ever since I had that conversation with Lord Tywin.
I heaved myself out of bed with difficulty. I couldn't understand these dreams. It had been an absolute chaos that had taken place. A chaos that I could not sort out. And this realisation gnawed at me, robbed me of the last of my strength. Lord Tywin wasn't the only one suffering from his fever.
He was out of the woods, I had noticed the day before. His forehead was no longer hot and he was already back to his senses.
"I demand to see my council of war! And mercies be to them if they haven't managed something productive in my absence!"
I set his breakfast down for him, and he sat back at his table in the study.
"My lord, if I were you I would take it easy today," I replied as he began to eat. Just something light, but all the more so. He was so emaciated that I was frightened every time I saw him. "You should take it easy so you don't have a relapse."
Still shaky from lying down so much, he rose and stood in front of me, looking down at me seriously.
"Lena, while I appreciate that you took care to get me back on my feet. Still, I don't recall ordering you to make my decisions. I didn't, did I?"
Blue met grey, for a long time we looked at each other. I didn't know why, but his words struck me. They seemed to drill straight into my heart, icy cold and unrelenting - They hurt. And then there was the harsh voice, in which - in contrast to the last few days - there was not a bit of warmth to be found. Quite in contrast to my dream of the last few nights.
"Did I?" he asked again and I shook my head in thought before swallowing.
"No, my lord, you did not."
"There you go. You seem to have taken a liking to giving orders. Understandable, it's a natural desire of everyone. That feeling of power and control. However, I'm back now. And the orders come from me. Did that sink in?"
Again I nodded silently and lowered my head. Anger spread through me. He had no idea! A sense of power... What was I supposed to do with it? I hadn't felt it for a second. I was just happy that everything was going the way I wanted it to. Or was that exactly what this feeling of power was?
I clenched my teeth tightly and suppressed a snort. Where was the gratitude? A small thank you that I had watched over him day and night. Taking care of him in the best possible way and accompanying him through the fight against the fever. Was that too much to ask? Lena, I appreciate that you took care of getting me back on my feet.
That's what he had said. I told myself that was his way of saying thank you. Perhaps a direct thank you would follow, Lord Tywin was inscrutable and sometimes had his gentle moments. However, I no longer expected it. His thoughts were now back on his war against the Starks. Even I had completely forgotten about them in the last few days.
"Good. Now that you can finally read, you can get right to work sorting through the letters that have probably already piled up."
He had snapped me out of my thoughts and I shook my head, barely noticeable. He was giving me orders again, I had to listen carefully.
"And how should I sort them, my lord?"
I couldn't hide the slightly bitter undertone through my anger. Nor did I want to.
"We are in a war. What do you think the important news is?"
I mused.
"Those of your allies and information about the Starks?"
"Right. You really are smarter than you appear, but I didn't expect anything else."
Suddenly there was a hint of warmth in his voice again. I was puzzled by his moodiness.
"Do you really think so, my lord?"
"Do I look insecure to you, huh? Do you seriously think I'm wasting important time teaching you to read when I see no point in it?"
A good point, I had to hand it to him. So that was why he had taught me, that was where his reason lay - he was expanding my field of activity. Actually, I should be proud now that he saw potential in me. But I felt nothing of the sort. Only a little anger. Well, I had known from the beginning that he had not done it for me. Why should he? However, this thought also bored its way painfully through my inner darkness into places I only knew in a different context.
Tywin, meanwhile, had sat back down and continued to eat his breakfast.
"Now go and summon my war council, they should all be milling about in the courtyard. And then set about the work I have just told you. Hurry up, we've lost a lot of time!"
I just bowed my head and ran. As if those few moments mattered now, I thought. But he was right. A lot had changed in the Starks' house during the last few days. And now it was time to find out what had changed and to tackle it...