A Beast's Heart (english version)

48.

My inner restlessness grew with every step. Tywin sat next to me in the saddle and cut himself another piece from an apple. He had been doing nothing else for what felt like hours, his gaze fixed stubbornly straight ahead. Again and again I caught myself looking over at him, eyeing him. I remembered the day when we first met. He seemed as calm now as he had then, but there was a sparkle in his gaze. A sparkle that I still couldn't interpret despite all the time I had spent with him. Back then I had detested him, but now, strangely enough, I didn't want to leave his side. What was wrong with me? I knew that something had changed. But I just couldn't figure out what it was.
Think about it, the voice inside me called out, and I looked at him again. You like him. It's more than obvious.
I quickly looked to the side and lowered my head a little. I wasn't allowed to. I hadn't been allowed to stay with him last night, it was wrong. Besides, he would never let me anyway, I thought of it as he told me about Joanna. His more than sad eyes, his trembling voice. No, it was better if I pursued the offer he had made me last night. After the battle - perhaps even before - our paths would part. He wouldn't need me anymore and I wasn't willing to chase any more pain.
I don't want to let him go, it suddenly popped into my head, then I shook myself briefly. Pull yourself together! You did your duty to stay alive, not because of him! Your path is parting today, come to terms with it!
Suddenly I felt a slight burning in my eyes and blinked hard. Why in all seven hells did I have to cry now? No, I wouldn't show him that!
"Lena? Are you all right?", Tywin now asked beside me and I nodded vigorously with my eyes closed.
"Of course. It's just...strong wind."
I fell silent again and looked straight ahead. If I had looked at him now, the last remnant in me would have broken...I knew that.

Halfway along the road, more soldiers joined us. Their banners showed a rose.
"Ser Loras Tyrell," Lord Tywin greeted dryly the knight on the brown horse who came up beside him. The latter bowed his head to his counterpart.
"Lord Tywin. So now we fight as allies side by side against Stannis."
"So it is."
I paid no further attention to the knight on Tywin's right, my fear growing by the second.
It was already dark when we all reached the capital together. The streets were empty, the city seemed deserted. Only a bell rang steadily. Behind the walls on the horizon I could already make out luminous green, lost in the dark night sky. Lord Tywin stopped his horse short and I heard his softly emitted "wildfire".
"I will lead the first squad. You follow," Ser Loras suggested and Tywin gave a curt nod. The knight moved ahead with his soldiers, then Tywin suddenly turned his gaze on me.
"Dismount."
I immediately slid out of the saddle, my heart beating up to my throat. Cold blue fire burned in his eyes, the lord looked at me piercingly.
"You will go to the red keep, do you understand? Tell the guards I gave you this order! Hide until the battle is over!"
"But Mylord-"
"Go!"
With these words he drew rein and his horse rose, neighing, before galloping away and disappearing into the increasing clouds of smoke.
I could hear thousands of men screaming. I could smell the acrid stench, fire, blood and despair. But how could I leave the lion alone now?
You taught me obedience, my lord, I thought, and my feet started to move uncontrollably. But this time I cannot and will not!
My heart ached, my lungs began to burn from all the smoke. So did my eyes. Faster and faster I ran through the night and the deserted streets of the capital, always looking at the glowing green and following the screaming. What was left for me when the lion fell? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That had now finally become clear to me. I had just disobeyed the most important order he had given me, but I didn't care. I couldn't bear the thought of hiding while he was out here fighting and possibly dying. I wanted to be with him. Only with him. I didn't care what it cost! There was nothing else left for me anyway!
Smoke billowed towards me, paired with the bright orange of the fire. Louder and louder I heard the steel sing as swords were crossed. The death screams enveloped me in their terrifying symphony. I almost tripped over the first corpse in front of me, a sword lying beside it. I lifted it trembling, fear filling me as my fingers wrapped tightly around the hilt. Lena, you can't fight at all, it suddenly popped into my head and I sighed softly. You really have had better ideas, you damned mutton-head!
I held the sword outstretched in front of me and kept walking. I saw dozens of men fighting and falling, blood spurting in all directions. Horses rose and neighed loudly, through their nostrils I saw breath lost in smoke. But where was he? Where was the great lion, the head of the Lannisters? Where was Lord Tywin? ...