A Beast's Heart (english version)

41.

It was right here. Not thirty feet away from me they had been lying at that time. Mother, father and brother. As if in a trance, I stumbled towards the spot, feeling numb. I was barely aware of Tywin's shouts, everything sounded muffled and alien.
"He lifted her up into the air, the bear. Her hair, it smelt of honey heavy," it came passively from my lips and I thought I heard Mother's voice singing. My steps slowed and the closer I got, the more real the image became. Almost as if the moment was happening all over again.
"She stepped after him, the maiden fair. But from his hair the honey he licked. And back and forth and back and forth, from his hair he licked the honey. All black and brown, full of fur he was. The bear, the bear and the maiden fair..."
When I finally reached the point, my knees gave way. I just slumped to the ground and stared at the sand in front of me. At some point I felt an iron glove tap against my shoulder and I slowly looked up. I had completely forgotten Lord Tywin's presence.
"Are you all right, Lena?"
"This is the source, Lord Tywin," I whispered brittly, suddenly feeling the weight of grief on my shoulders again, "This is the birthplace of my beast. Right here."
I laid my hand flat in the sand, expecting to see blood clinging to it as I pulled it back. But there was only the dirt.
Lord Tywin squatted down beside me, eyeing the ground and me in turn.
"You mean...?"
"Yes. This is where I lost the most precious thing I had. My parents lay right here, on this spot lay both their hands," I tapped the sand. Then I stood up and took a few steps backwards.
"Here I stood, with the other visitors at my back. I couldn't move for a very long time, couldn't do anything. Finally the two soldiers disappeared and I ran to them," I walked back to him, but then two more steps, "Here lay my brother. He had just passed his fourth name day, you must know. But he was already so strong! He could have become something great, I am sure! He was struggling with his last breaths and asked me to sing for him one last time. I had always sung for him, so I did this time too. Until...his eyes closed and his little hand fell here in the dirt..."
That was it. I could no longer control myself, the tears rushed out of my eyes like rivers. Powerless, I just let them run free, reliving the scenario. Pain filled my chest, I could hardly breathe. The images were more real, more unyielding than they had been for a long time. It had been a stupid idea to come here. I should have known!
Again I felt Tywin's hand on my shoulder, but this time warm and gentle. He had taken off the iron glove.
"I...Lena, this..." he began and broke off. He didn't seem to know what to do. But I didn't know that either. With teary eyes I looked at him and he started again.
"You were talking about soldiers... What soldiers?"
The anger came up again. For a moment the tears stopped and my voice became like a hiss.
"Yours! Two Redcoats came out of this tavern drunk and killed my family! They just slaughtered them like cattle! And all because my little brother accidentally bumped into them!"
I unconsciously got louder and louder until I finally realised that I was actually shouting at him. But now I didn't care, I let my anger and my beast run wild.
He looked at me for a long time, his gaze changing from perplexed to cool.
"I wasn't aware of that. I'm sorry, Lena."
"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that your soldiers obey you! And you mean to tell me you didn't know that?"
His voice, too, grew colder. Sharp as his sword it rang out, boring into the night air.
"Do you take me for a fool?! Why in all seven hells should I have given the order? You disappoint me! I expected you to understand my decisions. Tell me, what would I gain by slaughtering an innocent working class family, hm? What would I have gained, tell me!"
I paused in my fury and just stared at him. He really didn't seem to have known. Besides, he was right. What good would it have done him? Nothing at all! I felt miserable, more than that. I wanted to sink into the ground.
"Lord Tywin, I..."
"Save it."
He stood back up and pulled on the iron gauntlet.
"We have to go back."
His voice was ice cold. Well done, Lena, I thought bitterly, rising slowly as I quickly wiped away my tears. I quickly walked past him and hoisted myself back onto my horse. He also swung back into the saddle before we spurred the animals on and the stars led us back to the others....