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TITLE
It was really wonderful to visit the shadow hunter realm again. I love how you wrote the name of the fictional character that the story was being revolved around. That would definitely let the readers know what they are getting into.
BLURB
It's perfect! It's simple and charming in its own way. This looks like an original story, more than just fanfiction so great job on that!
COVER
I absolutely love it! My only concern would be to blend the picture of Simon Lewis in an erect manner, rather than being seen upside down. It would lead the readers to know that there is a vampire in the book. The inverted image of our daylighter needs to be erected. The rest of it is just fabulous! Love the fonts used in the title and the author's name.
PLOT
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The story actually has a pretty cool plot line. But like how an awesome story goes through a lot of brutal editing, this is definitely asking for it to be polished!
1. Word building
Example: Working as a waitress in a coffee shop here in New York, Brooklyn. But she enjoyed it and she's a good employee. However, today wasn't one of those days at work at all. It was actually quite decent.
What it could have been: Working as a waitress in a coffee shop here in New York, Brooklyn made Serah's life more enjoyable. She's a good employee and seemed likeable to a lot of people. Today wasn't one of those days where gruesome work would take a toll on her; it was actually pretty decent.
Remember to switch words if you feel like you need to add something new to the previous sentence.
2. Show, not tell
Example: The person who she actually knocked down is a young man and the first thing she sees is his face. Which he has his eyes closed from when we fell down from the back. (A/N: when Simon Lewis from Shadowhunters shows up.)
What it could have been: She looked at the person who now lay on the floor, his eyes covered with his dark brown strands of hair. He had pale skin which complemented his dark lips; like a vampire model.
Example: (A/N: Simon's already a daylighter in the story)
What it could have been: She suddenly remembered where she heard his name. She palmed herself on the head. "Of course, it was the daylighter! the only vampire who could walk in the sun! How could I be so stupid!" She muttered to herself.
A lot of readers might not have read shadow hunters. Give readers the feeling that this is an original story and not an adapted version. Let them know his features in detail.
3. Dialogues
Example: She giggles while smiling then breathes out a sigh and places her arms on one of the kitchen contours "so how was your guy's day?"
What it could have been: She giggled and then let out a sigh. "So, how did your day go today?" She asked, placing her arms on the kitchen contours.
Example: The young lady answers "uh, yeah hi. Can my boyfriend and I order something from you please?"
What it could have been: The young lady answers with hesitation. "Uh yeah, hi!" She looks around before speaking. "Can my boyfriend and I order something from you please?"
Dialogues can be a nightmare. When there are words like say, reply, said, told, a comma is used at the end of the dialogues. If there are actions done when the words are spoken, a full stop is used.
OVERALL
I think the plotline is really good! All that the book needs is a little bit of polishing! If you are looking for extensive polishing, there are editing shops on Wattpad where they could polish you up! I would suggest using Grammarly or Microsoft Word to help you battle punctuation. Every good story starts with an original dim draft.
