so it begins ✔️

2013

jan 24, 2013
dear diary,
when our philosophy teacher said, "time flies faster than the rain falls." he wasn't kidding or being deep and emo, although that's what philosophy is like to me but he was right about that one thing. time does fly, really quickly, flapping it's wings and leaving without letting you to have a chance to stop and rest.
on new years eve, i got to hang out with a couple of new friends i made here. i sold some new paintings few weeks ago and my friend henry said if i get to have the same amount of energy apply every working day like this, i could get a chance to meet maria, my favorite painter who made the black hole on a colorful painting. turns out, that painting has a name for itself. so it begins.

i can't wait to ask her why 'so it begins' is the name. like, out of every names in the entire world, why so it begins? maria is a genius and i'm pretty sure there's a magical meaning behind it, so i'm working extremely hard. wish me luck, even though you're just a part of my imagination but still, wish. me. luck.

and about iven, i still didn't hear anything from elsa. i'm assuming it was hard for her to find out and i didn't wanna bother her. but that doesn't mean, i stopped trying. i'm still looking for iven's whereabouts and, yeah, i write letters for him to read, whenever i grt to find him.

it was my fault, a lot of it. it's like a destined part of me that i always screw things up whenever i try to do things hoping it will end up good but it doesn't. i mess everything up except painting, i love how i'm able to be myself there and i love how people gets to love it too, sometimes it's hard for me to let my babies ( i call my arts babies, what about it? ) be taken away. so i always make sure i make each of my paintings a second one too. one is for the buyers and one is for my apartment.

can't believe i've come this far, i know iven would say and be like, "look at you, moon, i'm so proud of you." ...or not cause there's high chances that he 1) forgot me 2) hates me or 3) both. i won't blame him though, after everything, like leaving without an answer, a goodbye, he has every right to not want anything to do with me. but still, i can't help but keep the iven i know be kept safe in my mind heart locket.

...that being said, i think i still love him.

that's one of the reasons why it's so hard for me to give up on him just like that, especially give up on our friendship. even though i left, i can't help but spent my years thinking about him and wishing for new moments and same old what ifs. what if i didn't listen to allyson? what if i chose to stay? what if i didn't feel guilty about being the reason of iven's downfalls like his lowest marks increasing at school, like looking back on it, i realized how stupid i was to leave and not tell him anything about it, about how allyson came up to me and told me to leave. why didn't i say anything, why?

i was too stupid, i was too young. i decide on the parts of our friendship on my own and didn't let iven get to have a say, if i was in his place right now, i would want nothing to do with me.

but i don't think i'll ever give up trying to see if he's doing good and safe or not.

here's to wishing i find him soon, dear diary. fingers crossed.

"if love is ever really free then true lovers wouldn't die in vain." - maria.