so it begins ✔️

2010

there comes a time, some moments in your life that can leave you either torn apart or mended together. some moments in your life that waits for you to make a decision that will deeply affect you all the way it can. i've faced thousands of moments like this in my twenty two years of existence. some were just temporary sadness or happiness; either way, it was temporary and yet it felt like a permanent stain. but those eventually left.

when i said there are and will be some moments in your life that has the power of tearing apart or mending yourself together, i wasn't kidding. i knew my life belonged to making art my whole life as soon as i touched the finished painting made by my grandma. i knew my mom stopped caring about me the second i left the town with one note to her that goes way above and beyond than just being selfish, i knew i was a lot too much selfish for making this decision and i knew it will affect my whole life and hers as well, a lot. but what i didn't know is that how much of my decision making could affect iven.

i thought i was sparing him from my bullshit, childish, non excusable things i do and will do. i believed he deserves far far more better than wasting time with someone who's not at a position of life where you go to college and work hard academically. i still believe he does deserve better than me. that's why i don't wanna be the reason ever for him to regret.

i got emails written by my 'friends' and 'family'- i just got a free internet space in a small cafe and read some of them, not all cause what good would it do when i knew it ended all the same?

right now, my eyes travels towards the words written by iven and i wish i have it in my heart to respond to him and say, "i miss you too, a lot, too much even, and i hope it was easier for me to run to you and tell you all of the things, especially the colorful painting with the black hole on the middle." but the conversation between me and allyson plays like a tape recorder in my head, ever so vividly.

"can you stay out of his life just so he gets to worry about his own future rather than worry about you all the time?"

iven never blamed me. ever. and i believed that just because he never blamed me, it meant there was nothing to blame me for. but i was wrong. there was so many things happened between us where it was my fault and he should have blamed me.

he couldn't win this science competition in eighth grade because i wanted to watch the new movie right before the day of science competition. his grades starting going so low during the times when i stopped talking with him for a year. i was the reason of his downfalls and that time, that conversation with allyson made me realize that now.

iven was there giving too much of him every time to me and i was there letting it happen.

it was like a wake up call. for me to realize there was no place for me to stay there any longer. i knew i needed to get out of the town and since i was a newly graduated student, that was the perfect time to leave, to let him work on his future career, to have a good life with allyson and to let him worry about me all the time to the point that it breaks him.

i had little money saved up at that time, i decided to leave the town, go somewhere, anywhere. art was the safe call, one that rings and it stays with you. it stayed with me since i saw my grandma's painting. and it still stays with me now.

i didn't wanna be more selfish when it comes to letting iven to stay and watch him stray.

so i take a deep breath, delete his contacts and socials from my laptop and phone, all of the emails from him and i delete my emails and all known social accounts and tell myself it's for the better. it is for the better..right?

we'll see where our story goes.