so it begins ✔️

2016 (moment after knowing)

oliver: hey man! look, everlasting death about to start soon.
iven: oliver, what's this?

iven shows the letter to oliver.

oliver: how...did you find this?
iven: how do you have this letter and why do you have this letter for 2 years now? i don't understand.
oliver: listen, man. just sit down.
iven: no. i just want you to answer these questions, oliver. why do you have this letter in your bedroom drawer?
oliver: i didn't want you to get hurt, again, iven.
iven: answer the questions. now. i have a right to know and you know i have a right to know.
oliver: i did it only for you to not get hurt, iven. just listen to me.
iven: just answer the fucking questions if you don't want to hurt me, olive. just answer the damn questions.
oliver: (sighs) jamilah wanted...me to show you this, 2 years ago.
iven: who's jamilah?
oliver: moon's best friend.
iven: okay. and why didn't you show this to me 2 years ago?
oliver: because that letter is loads of bullshit, iven. i know women like her, they just come to ruin you with all these sorries and ruin you more, i didn't want you to get hurt, again. not again.
iven: what do you mean women like her?
oliver: (chuckles) come on, man. you know it.
iven: no, i don't think i know it, oliver. what do you mean?
oliver: look. she left when you had nothing and then came after recently you became financially active. doesn't that seem weird to you?
iven: the fuck you tryna say?
oliver: i didn't want you to get hurt, iven.
iven: too bad, cause what you did hurt me a lot and especially what you said right now. you had no business of coming between us and you especially have no right to say that about moon in front of me.
oliver: are you serious right now? you're just going to do this?
iven: stay the fuck away from my business and also say that about moon again, i'll forget in an instant that you were my best friend of 6 years.

iven walks out of oliver's house. leaving oliver stunned.

☁︎︎.

M O O N

4 days left. 4 days and then the most important part of life to be glistened under the stars. 4 days, after years of hard work, making art, selling paintings, brushes unite and colors untied- 4 days. i take a nice deep breath and look at my works of art. sadly i lost the first painting i ever made, i was probably seven, for sure. it wasn't a big deal nor i was like a secret picasso waiting to be discovered. no, it was none of that. what made everything happen is my longing love to create. to be there to paint everything i want, go anywhere i want. at first, i sucked and then, as little by little, time as a flier, i painted with love and nothing but love. well, there was a lot of emotions there. but love always stayed. painting goes as the way love goes. the way ive-

no. not right now, come on moon. you need to move on.

i'll lie to myself if i say i'm over him. i'm not. each night, my thoughts are filled with him and most of them are just regrets, painted red dots, i like to say. or, messy black holes, like regrets. how i just left him, how i wish i could have been there for him always, how i shouldn't have listen to allyson nor myself. how i should have asked for iven and what he feels about us, what he feels about me.

but he didn't say anything. even after getting that letter, i didn't hear anything from him. i assumed that he doesn't want anything to do with me. his silence and the way he walked away most of all, really said on how it was too late. i wish it wasn't too late. i wish he reached out to me, i wish he reaches out to me.

but we all know that wishing for something which cannot come true is wasting on wishes, right? the thing is, i'd waste million wishes just for him, i'd waste anything just to have him back or calm my heart and let it know there's a chance. sometimes wishing on things you know it will never come true seems easier and softer than believing the cold harsh truth. i'm still not strong enough to bear all of that, yet.

as much as there's to try to forget him, i find ways on keeping him alive. the teal walls? his favorite color. the cactuses? his favorite plant and IJ? iven jameson.

the thing is, it doesn't really hurt me of how much of the things reminds me of him. not at all. instead, it makes me feel safe and in home knowing that i can keep the memories of us save through the things i create, through the things i keep around me. maybe iven doesn't want anything to do with me, maybe he moved on but i know for sure that i'm forever indebted to him for all of the memories, tales we created with each other, him just existing and being there, is enough, more than enough for me.

the black holes still comes though. the regrets stays and sometimes leaves and then comes back and stays. but his reminders? are everywhere around me and i'm glad that they're everywhere around me.

"moon?" lullaby, my assistant calls out my name and goes, "i was about to ask you about the beverage choice. what should we have for the guests and art critics during the opening?"
i smile and say, "coconut milk."

...

I V E N

i bought a can of coconut milk and drink it as i think of ways to reach out to her, after two years. she probably moved on, i probably shouldn't do this but all i know is that i have to, i need to tell her that i found out about her letter recently and she didn't lose me, at all.

the coconut milk is the only thing right now that binds our memories a little together. and i pray for our paths to collide once more and never to be lost ever again.

if only i'd got this letter 2 years sooner. i wouldn't have let her go like this if only just, if only.

god, i hate you so much right now oliver.

i try to think of certain people who will help me on this, who will help me to find moon. i pray for it to not be too late, i pray as i dial up some numbers of a person who may know where moon is.

"may god bless you for contacting me through this device." she says and i get confused, "how may i be able to help you?"

"ah, is this sanara asha or..? wrong number?"
"it is sanara asha, may god forgive you son." she says it and then half chuckles. "god forgives everyone."
"touché," i say, "i'm iven, i don't think you remember me but, if you do, please- i need your help."
"of course i remember you, iven. may god bless you. what do you need, grieving child?"
"well," i go, completely ignoring how she called me a grieving child, "can you tell me where moon is?"
"in the night sky."
"um. i meant, your daughter."
"oh."