so it begins ✔️

2016 (moment before knowing)

⌨︎︎

I V E N

meanwhile, five days ago (before the grand opening of IJ new collection)

words travel faster through the whispered thoughts among strangers- among everyone to be honest. words that can interest people a lot fly faster than a plane and the happy lies, ones that doesn't necessarily hurt anyone goes around, gets passed on and the cycle continues. same goes for today.

"you broke the engagement with her?" my mom asks.
"yeah, it literally happened today, mom. how do you even know..."

"it's just, she didn't wanna come at my cooking classes anymore." my mom replies with a sad frown. "she always used to like, you know- be excited about all these learning new recipes and such. she looked mad too, a tiny mad."
"i'm sorry that you lost your cooking partner, mom." i comfort her, lying my head down on her shoulder as we both continue to watch an animation movie, which i think- has something to do with rats and mouses and them dancing.

me and my mom always have an animation movie night, well- we started around last year since she moved with me. my mom has been there for me whenever i needed her but i wasn't there for her in the same way she was with me. so i'm trying to be there for her from now on.

"it's okay son, i'm happy that you finally found out that you're not in love with her, i thought you'll be able to do that sooner."
"you knew?"

she nods.

"everyone knew, son. i just wanted you to realize it on your own, it's more real that way."
"how did you know like, we were doing really good."
"if you were then you guys wouldn't have ended it."
"...fair point." then i go, "how did you find out?"
"it was easy." she shrugs, "you never look at her the way you used to with moon."

as much as words travels faster- abundance of her comes as quickly as it's centered around all over my mind. spent the days without her questions, the nights without her art touches like painted white and pink flowers on my study table and books and the almost ten years without her glances, small dances around the corridors like she used to do it at school. and most of all, spent my life without the letters and emails and without it, a huge part of us died the moment moon decided to leave. time and distant is supposed to make you forget, right? and yet, and just yet, it's hard.

"mom, it's in the past." i stand up and get myself a glass of water as i make sure to avoid any type of future conversations about her with my mom. "anyways, how's everyone doing back in town?"

"everyone or just moon?"
"mom."
"iven, you can't avoid this anymore longer."
"we're not friends anymore, mom. it's been almost ten years. i think that tells a hell of a lot that what's in the past should stay in the past."
"iven, i just want you to be happy, i'm your mom and i hate to see you live like this."
"i am happy, mom."
"iven..." she goes and lets out an exhale, "i know it's been a long  time since you both ever talked. but i don't think running away from the feelings you have is gonna help anyone and in fact, it is ruining you. please, just- think about this, okay?"
"she left, mom."
"iven..."
"no you don't understand, she left. she came back and then she left again, didn't wait any second longer and maybe just maybe, yeah she did feel bad for leaving. but that's just it, she doesn't care about me, let alone loves me back."

my mom glances at me in a weird way and i realize and pick up on what i said just now.

"i think you know what to do now." mom goes and almost smiles. "i'm going to make some dinner."