so it begins ✔️

2015

life as a newly turned 27 years old man, closer to your 30's is a life full of possibilities. for me, it's halfway true, the other halfway is just letting go of your past fully, fully to the point where you only have is yourself. letting go of everything, letting go of things that isn't good for your path, for your own success, letting go of her.

"so what do you do?"
i chuckle, "why do you wanna know?"
"i need to know if you're the kind of man who can satisfy my needs."
"oh? questioning my abilities, are you now?"
the woman laughs, "it's just making sure if you are who you say you are."
"and what am i?"
"that, you're someone who does something and that something might be what i need." she looks at me, in a way of wanting, of yearning, maybe not loving, for sure.

"how old are you?"
"twenty two."
"and you're currently..."
"i'm a uni student, medical."
"ah, alright."
"what about you? what brings you here?"
i smile, "i'm someone who does something and that something might be what you need."

she smiles at me and the night ends with our hands clashing and drapes of clothes to be only tangled around the sheets.

...

my life's always has been always like this, well- to be quite honest, it has been like this recently.

working as a physicist is definitely something. 12 years old me couldn't be anymore proud of me, deep down- he knew i couldn't have made it easily, or- could even make it that far, truth to be told. although deep down, she did.

okay, last time. stop going back to her.

anyways, as i was saying, yeah. life's been hectic- and new, and free, and everything in between. i am happy, i am.

...

"so how long have you been going out with her?" oliver asks, smiling.
"nine months, we're celebrating our anniversary at her favorite place."
"happy for you, man. you're..happy, right?"

i am. very much indeed happy. why wouldn't i be?

"yes, of course."
"2016 is so close, can you believe it? i can't!" oliver's girlfriend kate says, excitingly.
"here's to new beginnings, of life." oliver raises his glass and i join in.

to new beginnings, of course. a life without hurtful things, things that won't matter forever, hurtful things, hurtful people, her.

jesus christ, iven. stop.

"to new beginnings."

❦

meanwhile:

dear diary,
i can't believe this is it, you know? it's been a year, almost close to two years and it feels surreal to believe that it's over. iven and moon's story ended. boom.

okay, i promised myself i wouldn't keep going back to the thing that all went down between us. i'm going to try to make this all about me, i will, if not- i'll try harder.

god it's so hard.

okay, relax, moon.

it has been two days since my 27th birthday and i still feel like i just turned 17. i can never get used to aging, ever. it was a small, get together party with few of my close friends. 2015 was a year full of many new possibilities and turnings. jamilah found out she was pregnant and made me promise to her that i'll always be a god mother to her to be born babies, yeah- twins. i'm honestly happy for her, you know? she deserves this feeling, this happiness. and elsa got married with one of the book store owners of our home town. they had a small wedding and it was pretty, oh and yeah! i went back to my home town, after almost 10 years.

i was scared. i thought it was gonna be tough for me to ever go back, i was thinking of never going back, ever. but it was elsa's wedding and it was the least thing and the only thing i can ever do to make her happy, you know?

and so, i was there. the town changed a lot within 10 years. everyone was there while everyone wasn't. the roads weren't sticky and muddy as it used to be, the sky looked happy and it didn't look like a town where dream dies, you know? i wonder what would have happened if i stayed longer enough to witness this town turn into a safe place to dream the oddest dreams from a pile of damp duvets made of lost hopes and dreams. would i become a professional artist then like how i am now?

i met my mom. she was the same, older, just. she recognized me right away and weirdly enough, she hugged me.

"i missed you a lot, sanara." she's only one who calls me sanara, besides iven. "how are you, what have you been up to, my darling?"
"darling? how are you?" i repeat her given anewly sounded words, my mom changed, i realized it's true. time does change people. sometimes negatively while other times...

positively.

"i'm great, mom....i didn't think, you'd care if i came back."
"i thought it would be easy for me, to forget you- but i'm just a human being, after all. because god," she looks up at the sky and goes, "god has given me hope."
"oh?"

people change. sometimes positively while other times, they're in between. change for their own goodness, change for religion, for peace and such. and i watched my mom surround herself with so many changes. she goes to church, she reads the bible to each of her religious friends and at some point, i felt myself wishing for her to apologize to me, to love me unconditionally. then i went back into understanding that it doesn't take a lot of people to love your child the same after they've left you with nothing but a letter. went back to understanding that not all parents will ever understand why you left in the first place. went back to realizing this was a great scenery compared to everything i went through with her ever since i was an infant to twenty years of age.

and so i stayed quiet, and so i smiled.

"you were a burden, darling." she goes, "but you are still my daughter."
"gee, thanks mom."
"may god bless you."
"thank you, thank you."

i met few of my classmates. the only friend i ever had was just iven. and he wasn't here anymore, i wasn't surprised. some of our classmates got married, some died, some stayed while some strayed. it was rushed feelings, of realizing how time works, honestly- going back after 10 years brought a lot of realizations. bittersweet, hearts connection and bible being the core of peace to be kept between me and my mother.

i've also grew a lot financially as a professional artist. a lot of my paintings got noticed, i was there, traveling, meeting new buyers, talking with art critics and helping out young artists. a successful 27 years old artist, i am. life's good, right?

a wedding, 10 years and no iven. pregnancy, friends getting married and no iven. new art dealings, business partners, occasional lighthearted flirts and no iven. everything was moving forward, everything is going forward, without him. and him, without me.

2015 was a year of new things and old things circled together and dancing, whether it's sad serenade or comforted happiness aura being placed around them. it was a year full of everything and nothing at the same time, it was a year without him, a year of our story ending.

...this is the end.

except, it wasn't.