so it begins ✔️

2016: to begin

M O O N

the day of opening the ij collection:

i add the soft pink blush in both of my cheeks and a nude lipstick. i look at the mirror and i see a woman, who just about to have the time of her life, a new collection, a new beginning and a new understanding.

i feel nervousness flying itself inside of me. of course, i'd be nervous, it's normal. but still, it feels like i need to know something before starting this new chapter of my life. something which is an important thing, one i don't know about it yet.

the clock shines up against the number which says  it's 8:02 am and i have to get going. i apply some glosses and look at myself again.

i really did find my wings then why am i so afraid to fly now?

i take a nice deep breath and walk out of my apartment, today's going to be a good day, today's going to be a good day, today's-

I V E N 

today is not going to be a good day. but i'm still trying to keep my head calm and pray and hope for the best. today's the day where i'll either lose the love of my life or have her back. truth to be told, i don't think i deserve another chance. it has been 2 years, she probably might have taken my absence of an answer as a way of going how i don't want her in my life. she doesn't know that oliver didn't give me the letter, that i don't know anything about pain she had to endure for the most ten years of our lives and more, she doesn't know that i didn't know that she felt like the outsider in the friendship, the burden giver, she doesn't know that i care and i love her still and i hate myself for what i did knowingly and unknowingly. if i could take it all back, i would, how could i ever blame this on her when majority of things that happened is because of me?

"excuse me, when's the train going to stop? how long will it take?" i ask a woman beside me, she goes, "about three hours at best, more so considering it's a windy day."

three hours, god damnit.

M O O N

all of the paintings i made are like little specks of stardust. the reminders, the vignettes of my life. nobody can't tell, well- majority of them can't considering i never said the paintings are about my life, about the things i went through. some did ask if the painting is based on my life. all i said was, "it is how you take from it, it's about believing."

and i stand by it, which is half true considering i believe in the things that i went through. i wish things could have been different, i really do. but half of me started to be a little bit grateful for all of the things that happened.

except one thing, i wish i stayed.

I V E N 

i wish i listened to her. why didn't i listen to her? did i really have to hate her for what she did? why couldn't i just waited just a little bit, hold her in, call her and be, "no please stay" why didn't i do anything when i saw her come back to me?

it's my fault that she ever get to believe that she was the one holding me back. i was not a good friend to her, at all. because if i was, she wouldn't have ever thought that she was burdening me when in truth, she wasn't, she brought colors in so many forms and touched me like a canvas ever since we met, she's an artist of everything except on knowing that she wasn't a burden at one bit, at any way at all.

it is my fault.

M O O N

i wish i stayed, i wish everything could have turned out differently. everything from that night, everything from how i decided to leave. everything. i wish the us of us were painted in a beautiful color, a nice shade, to begin the new everything. instead, us ended and time and distant became new, strong and dull shades and it happened because of me.

it is my fault.

I V E N

few more minutes, just few more. i'm coming, moon. that is, if you wish for me to come, please i hope you didn't give up on me yet.

M O O  N

i hope he knows i could never give up on him and i'll always look at him at the same light, same pink shade of color, same full of love. as much as it hurts, as much as i should move on, i hope he knows i didn't yet, i hope, i hope, i hope.

I V E N

i hope she knows i love her.

M O O N 

i hope he knows i love him just the same.

I V E N + M O O N

i hope there comes a point of us.
i hope it begins, soon.