Teardrops on a Sketch Pad

Kabanata 3: Flightless Angel

[Xylandria's POV]

I turned the page and smiled after seeing the finished drawing. It's a boy who seems to be running while flying a kite. The smile on his face is genuine that I got carried away.

There's a short message on the upper right corner and I read it.

I wished i'm still a child, being happy with simple things and worrying about nothing. A child is contented with what they have. They're vocal and honest on things they see and they only care about the positive things. We would just play all day and wait for our Mothers to scold us before going home. We can easily communicate and make dozen of friends in just a few minutes. Only some of us treasure the value of childhood.

Napatango ako. He's right, I remember my childhood days kung saan umiiyak ako noon kasi pinipilit akong patulugin ni Mom and now, gusto ko na lang matulog.

Walang problema, walang hassle... parang ang gaan lang ng buhay.

I went to the next page at hindi talaga ako makapaniwala na isa lang ang kamay niya. His drawings are detailed and looks so realistic. Yung pangalawang drawing niya ay silhouette ng isang lalaki at sa taas ng ulo nito ay may kamay na nakahawak na korona. Parang may ganap na coronation. Hindi ko nga lang maintindihan kung bakit kailangan niyang gawing silhouette.

Everything is expected from you. Every you needs to be perfect. From your face, words and down to your grades. Everyone thought you're so high to be reached; impossible to touch. Everyone sees you as a King who holds everything. A King that is too powerful to break but... a King can feel pain, a King can feel loneliness and a King cries in his secret dungeon that he, himself feel powerless. He sees the crown as a curse, he doesn't want to be praised or honored... a King only wants freedom to be himself imperfectly.

Napakagat ako ng sariling labi. The message pierced through my heart. I felt it... I can relate to the deep meaning behind the message.

Everyone thinks I am perfect because I have a beautiful face that every woman dreamed of having. Everyone thinks i'm flawless... everyone thinks that my life is so fucking perfect.

But I have my battles too. I was harassed in high school. A lot of boys don't even pay respect to me and I was also judged to be a teacher's pet because of my face.

Kung bibigyan ako ng chance na pumunta sa isang lugar, pupunta ako sa isang lugar kung saan walang mga judgemental.

I sighed, I don't think I have the courage to continue flipping the pages. His words are... precise. He has an incredible mentality.

But... does the message have anything to do with him? I mean, siya nga ang sumulat but I really thought na ang isusulat niya ay tungkol sa kalagayan niya.

I mean, he can't be called a King... no one would praise him. Kung sa drawing niya ay oo, lahat ay mapapanganga but regarding his condition and face... well, to me, he can't be called exactly a King.

Umiling ako. Here I am, ayaw ko sa judgemental pero isa rin naman pala ako sa kanila. How rude.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko pero hindi pa rin ako makakatulog. I even counted sheeps but still didn't work... i'm still wide awake.

Napahilamos ako at kagat-labing pinailaw ang lamp. Maingat kong kinuha ang sketchpad at binuksan muli. I would really fillip myself if i'd end up crying.

The next drawing is a man, his back is facing me. There were lifeless trees around him like he's in the middle of the wood or a dark forest.

Lost in the woods. Everything is lifeless, everything inside me is dead. I am alone and still waiting to be found. The woods is so wide open, but it feels like cage. I am lost in my own world... Does anyone even noticed that i'm missing? Did they even tried searching for me?

Hope... he's looking for hope that maybe he didn't saw in his family. It's really hard to give someone hope who is arrogant. I saw how he treated his nephew and even the waiters.

Even so... a part of me sympathize him. I know he's going through a lot. He has the most complicated situation and I know he has a huge ego... it must be hard for him depending on someone else.

I flipped the page and saw an angel sitting in a corner while hugging his knees.

I am once an angel that soars the heaven and now my wings are black; flightless. I want to reach the sky again, hug the clouds and be unstoppably free. I hate myself for not being able to fly. I miss kissing the wind and flying towards the rose quartz sunset. I can do everything and now, I am useless... my wings are broken and my scars are deeply open.

Sino ka ba talaga? WHW? Malaki ang hinala ko na hindi genetics or sakit kung bakit siya naging ganyan. Accident! Yes, baka naaksidente siya noon. He's giving me a clue. Naaawa ako sa kanya. Hindi ko ma-imagine na ang buhay na nakasanayan mo ay mawawasak dahil sa isang aksidente.

The accident might be the cause of the scar on his face. The accident made him disable to do a lot of things. Napatabon ako sa baba at napaiyak. Ang sakit... kumikirot ang dibdib ko. How can he remain strong like that?

Unable to walk and be a burden to many people. You can't even go to club, swim in the beach and even have a family. What's the purpose of life?

Paano ba siya sasaya sa buhay niya? He's a flightless angel. Napahikbi ako, I don't think I can handle seeing the world in his perspective. Lahat ng tao ay huhusgahan ka dahil sa itsura mo, hindi ka makakasabay sa trip ng friends mo. You'll be locked in a cage where there's no key.

I could even hear him say, "Sana makakaganito pa ako, makakapunta pa ako roon. Makakalaro pa ako kasama mga pamangkin ko. Magkakapamilya pa ako..." Regrets.

Hindi ko na namamalayan na nakatulog na ako dahil sa mga mata kong napagod kakaiyak.