A Novel's Beast World

7. Self-Confidence Is On A Permanent Vacation

 Originally posted: March 26, 2022. Edited: February 17, 2023.

"It's okay, Drew. I was out of line. I understand." Looking at Harvey's sad expression and droopy ears was hurting my already battered conscience. He's totally wrong on all accounts.

First, nothing is okay. Not a damn thing. Secondly, Harvey was almost certainly not out of line. All-in bets would be on me being the royal fuck-up here. And what the hell does he understand? Even I barely understand me, so how can he?

"Wait, Harvey. Just a sec. Can you tell me what just happened?" Now Harvey looked confused and sad. I am doing such a wonderful job of communicating. "I think my parents dropped me on my head when I was a young, my brain doesn't keep up well."

Now Harvey looked concerned and full of pity. Ouch. Well, pride isn't necessary for survival.

"That's terrible, Drew." Of course, he took me literally. "...You gave me a 'candy.' Something that you said was your favorite. Such an action means that you are interested in taking me as a spouse, correct?" Now he is back to looking shy, but still sad. Like he's expecting rejection.

Stupid beast world and its stupidly low standards. Now I feel like a douchebag. How am I supposed to break it to this guy that I am so not ready for marriage when technically, I am the one who proposed?

"Harvey, you seem like a great beast..." Nooo! Why did I have to pick the worst and most cliche rejection line to ever exist? I need to scrap it and say something else. Harvey already thinks I'm touched so it won't matter. Confirming that I was unfortunately fortunate enough to have his full attention, I tried my best to get out this.

Wait a hot second. Do I want to get out of this? Sure this man was pining for some girl's feet a short time ago, but I can just pretend it never happened. I'm never getting laid in reality so shouldn't I take this opportunity? I'm sticking with the coma dream approach, so maybe I should consider it.

"Harvey, where I come from we do things differently. When a male or female is interested in the other, we say it. After, we slowly progress our relationship until deeper feelings develop than we can mar-mate." It was tough sounding reasonable and damn if I wasn't proud of myself. I'll pretend I'm cool as ice and not at all embarrassed by the last bit.

Aaaand the ball has left my hands and maybe the court. Harvey was practically glowing. Damn these desperate and hot beastmen with low standards. How desperate is Harvey to want me as a spouse? Then again, none of the women here are lookers by their own standards. That doesn't give me any more confidence than I started with, which was none.

Shouldn't I be concerned here? Doesn't he profess his undying love to Bai soon? Should I say something? I'm going to hate myself for bringing this up.

"But weren't you interested in Bai Qingqing?" Right on time, a healthy dose of regret hit me in the gut. Why didn't I hold back? I'm pretty sure I just cock blocked myself.

Well, the ship has left the port. I have no choice, but to roll with this now. Better to clear the waters early anyway, right? Harvey looks surprised and guilty. Shit, I hate being right sometimes.

"I was enamored by her, but I don't have the right to refuse a female who wants to court me." Damn, I'm going to need some ice for this burn. He's just taking what he can get.

Why can't my dream be nicer to me? This is not fair. Okay, I'm not going to show that it stings. I am strong and capable women. Harvey is a stranger and I can't be hurt by strangers.

"Wait, Drew. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I would never be accepted by Bai or any other female. I'm too weak. I was happy when you showed interest in me. I understand if you don't want me. Please don't worry about it."

Harvey was so flustered and concerned, I must have completely failed at my poker face. The more he talks the worse I feel for both of us. Poor guy's self confidence is barely higher than my own.

"I'm fine and that's not tr-?" How was I supposed to say it wasn't true? Those would be empty words. Bai was going to reject him and I didn't feel like trying to change the plot by playing matchmaker. Not that my dumbass could pull that off. I can't even get myself a date let alone hooking up two complete strangers. Harvey deserves better anyway.

Harvey stared at Drew while waiting patiently. He was curious as to what she was going to say. Unfortunately, it didn't look like Drew was going to continue. Her brows were knitted and her lips were frowning deeply. Harvey has never dealt with a more complicated female in his life.

He should say something to her, but wasn't sure how to appease her. His earlier effort seemed to make things worse. Neither one of them said anything for several moments and the atmosphere felt heavy and awkward. How was he going to make things better?

"I don't know what you are worried about, but you can take your time Drew. I'm going to go wash your furs. Do you need anything?"

I sincerely tried, with every fiber in my being, to respond in human tongue. To my horror, but no surprise, my words crashed and burned. After several failed attempts, I decided that life was too difficult at the moment.

"Okay." So much for clearing the air. I think I just stank it up instead. Why something so simple is so damn difficult is beyond my puny brain's ability to comprehend.

After Harvey left, I was able to fully regret my life's choices. If I can't even speak right in a dream, how the hell was I ever going to do it in reality. I could only think that karma was eating my ass for sins of my past life. At least, that's the story I'll stick with to feel less like a failure.