A Novel's Beast World

17. Ugly Crying

Double Update! ...  You mean you aren't surprised anymore?  Okay.  

Here's the first of two.

Originally posted: April 11, 2022. Edited: February 17, 2023. 

Thank god that's over. Watching in person was so much more dramatic than from the other side of the screen. Everyone's voices sound better than what I imagined. Still, there isn't nearly enough enjoyment to balance out all the shit I have to go through.

My head still throbbed and I spent most of my days asleep. Harvey treated me well and I am glad he had one less responsibility to take care of.

Since the circus act was absent, I need to think up a new plan. I'm still aiming for a harem of hunks, even if that's unrealistic. I have to worry now if I can even change the plot. Why am I even here if I can't change the plot or have a good time? Not that I really want to change much. Just a certain tiger's fate.

Let's think of what I've got. A headache. Next. Underboob sweat. Okay, that isn't helping. For real, brain, focus for me.

My one and only ally is Harvey. Thankfully he got a stripe. Even if it's not much, it's still something. I know he has taken the role of guardian, like how Winston does for Qingqing in the original story. I may be doing him dirty by not accepting him as a mate, but that is too much for me to consider right now.

I don't know how much time passes from the MC's kidnapping to her rescue. There is one last ditch effort I can make to try to change the plot. I haven't been seriously trying to fuck things up so far, that's a product of natural talent. I got to get Winston.

Even I can't make myself jump him, I should be able to win him over if I get to him first. Every shitty beast in that city seems to treat him like a joke and the females act so ridiculously towards him. I might actually pull it off.

My main problem will be timing. I don't know how much my interference has affected time. He may already be back in the city for all I know. I am not in good enough condition to travel right now, but will when I can.

Guess I am asking Harvey for another favor. Wow, I am such a good person. I used to bash The MC for using Parker like a tool, but now I am doing the same to Harvey. He doesn't deserve that. I need to talk to him. Really talk. I don't think I've had a serious conversation in my life, unless the ones that devolved into fights count.

I spent the next two days trying really hard to talk to Harvey. I don't know how the guy understood my half-baked speech, but he did. I explained to him that I wanted to go to the City of Beasts and look for Winston. Of course, Harvey knew who he was, but was surprised I knew.

"Harvey, please don't ask how I know some things and not others. I don't know how to explain it."

"It's okay, Drew. I'm glad you are willing to talk to me about this." Harvey looked happy and calm, the exact opposite of what I was feeling.

"Harvey, I might fu-mess everything up. I don't know if I'm ready to take mates." Uh-oh. Cue anxiety and word vomit. "Where I'm from everything's different. I don't know if I should take this seriously or treat this like a game." I can't stop myself. He isn't going to understand what I'm saying.

"Drew. Drew, look at me please." He grabbed my hands and forced my attention on him. I was breathing fast. Damn panic attacks and their shitty timing. "I will listen to everything. Breath for me. "

"It's okay if you don't want to. Nobody will force you. You don't have to mate with me or anyone else. Only when you are ready. I'll be there to provide support, I won't let you be forced. I'll try to earn more stripes." He said that with conviction and damn I felt my eyes burn.

"You shouldn't have to do that. Damn it. Why is it like this? Why can't I just fuck whoever and get it over with? Standards can go to hell! Stupid conscience is a useless bitch! For once my looks, don't matter! This is my dream goddamnit!"

I lost it. I hadn't been able to sit on my butt without pain for the last two weeks. I've been eaten alive by giant mosquitoes and harassed by gnat swarms. I got my ass clapped by leopard and have tripped all over this beast world since I've come here.

They can wake me up now. Please wake me up. Or kill me. Just do something.

I was full on ugly crying while hyperventilating. I think Harvey held me, but I was way too far gone to appreciate that.

After several ages of wailing, the numbness set in. Why have I been holding back all this time? I shouldn't be stopping myself. Just because I have no idea how to work relationships or sex doesn't mean I can't have it. I can just let the the guy lead until I figure it out. Relationships here are different than those in reality so my knowledge won't necessarily be helpful.

I should be upset right now, but there is nothing. I can't find any emotions right now. I just feel empty again. My therapist said to accept help, but how do I ask for that? Do I care enough?

Something painful was shoved in my face and I welcomed it. Finally, I can feel something. It wasn't until Harvey shifted that I realized it was his collar bone.

Harvey wiped my snot and tears with his hands. Should I tell him how much bacteria that must have? That would take energy. Why bother? I should probably say or do something.

"Drew." Harvey said my name so gently, that I almost felt it. "Since you've come here, I haven't understood why you think so poorly of yourself. I'm not sure what kind of place you came from, but know that here, you are special."

Don't, Harvey. Not yet. Let me sink into this numbness. Here there isn't hurt, worry, or expectations. While the emotions aren't getting in the way, let me say something.

"Where I come from... The only one who has expectations of me is my mom." I paused. She always forced them down my throat. "No one else but her would care if I died or disappeared." I'm sure I'll regret this later when I can feel again.

"My life doesn't have any meaning and I live everyday on temporary enjoyment. I was never going to amount to anything and I accepted that. A mediocre life was fine. I'd crack some jokes and live. I was going to make what I could of it. Nothing changed coming here. I fuck everything up and leave people like you to clean up after me..."

"I can't understand you, Harvey. To me, it's asinine that you could develop any real feelings for a screw up like me in the span of three weeks or at all. There are many females nicer than me, smarter than me, where I come from."

"Even now, what I'm saying will just be a pain in your ass. You don't deserve my emotional baggage, but I'll dump it on you anyway because I don't care." Liar. You'll care later.

Harvey didn't respond at first. I figured he gave up on me or was thinking of a way to deny my words.

"Drew. I watch you everyday. You never ask me for anything. You help me with things that you don't need to. Every time I do something for you, I can see the guilt weighing on you. For me, Taking care of you is natural. I am happy to do these things for you, but to you, these are burdens. I don't know about any females I haven't met, but I choose to stay by your side willingly. If it was only duty, I could have brought you to the City of Beasts where you would be more protected."

"What can I say for you to understand? What can I do to make you see that your are not trouble to me, that I am glad to have you here?"

This jerk was going to make me feel again, wasn't he?