diary of an anonymous author

all of my notes to you pt. 1

it has been well over a month since lethardnon and i broke up and i'm still not doing well.

i guess it's safe to say that i am NOT handling this better than i was last time. what a fucking SIMP.

i've elaborated on the situation to my friends a million times this last week and a lot of things have changed for the negative. which, let's be honest, is probably my fault.

however, if you're reading this (lethardnon) these are the notes i've written to you since we ceased communication almost... 2 weeks ago...

jesus that really hurt to write.

and i know it's not easter anymore, but only by 10 minutes as i'm writing, so... happy easter

but, please look at this chapter through the eyes of someone that is trying to continuously grow and better herself and acknowledges that this the healthiest mechanism for coping that she has at the moment (for the sanity of her friends and family)

it's only been an hour and there's so much i want to talk to you about

i want to write you a letter about how i feel, i want to talk about how much you used to love me and how special you made me feel every day. i want to talk to you about all our old messages because then maybe you'll remember and come back and be that person that i was fighting for. that i fell in love with. why why why why why

dear lethardnon,

today, i saw you on campus and i had to act like i didn't see you because seeing you instantly made me wanna throw up. it made me so anxious, and so sad, and it made me feel so bad. and i never ever wanted to feel this way when i looked at you. because i still love you. but it genuinely hurts me so much to even look at you right now. and ik that sounds so over dramatic but it's true. i think you're avoiding me.. and i hope it isn't true because i've never wanted to see you more than i do right now.

maybe i squandered my opportunity today, maybe I don't know what the fuck i'm doing and i just don't wanna fuck anything up. but i mean, how much worse can it possibly get right now? (future k writes.... "much, much worse.") i am the most miserable and i miss you.

please come back to me, please.

love,

k

dear lethardnon,

i want nothing more than to lay in your arms and cry right now. i have had the worst day and i would love for you to burst in and be my knight in shining armor.

please come back to me.

love,

k

dear lethardnon,

am i really never to love you again? lay in your arms? kiss you and run my fingers through your hair? kiss every inch of your face over and over and over again? am i really to go the rest of my life without doing this ever again?

what if we don't ever speak again?

what if we're both too stubborn and painfully asshole-ish to reach out to each other again? have i spoken to you for the last time?

this week has been interesting. i've felt better, yet worse. more at peace, yet never at rest. never have i been so unhappy and... middle of the road in my life. i hope these things aren't true and i hope you come back to me and love me the way you used to.