diary of an anonymous author

a little update

6.1.20 (technically 6.2.20)

hi there,

the last time that you heard from me i wasn't particularly sober. and it's been a really interesting time since i drank.

i got over adam (shocker) and i caught feelings for lethardnon (again, what a SHOCKER). 

i honestly don't even know why i came to write.

lethardnon is mad at me and i'm so extremely confused. and hurt. and i honestly don't even know.

after a long talk, we kind of figured out the miscommunication. i was still really hurt, but it's about 24 hours later and i feel different. and he apologized, so it's fine.

it's day 3 ... or 4? of me deciding to no longer have feelings for him.

he won't date bc of long distance or a plethora of other reasons and i don't want to fight because there's no point.

i don't want to fight to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. no matter how much i want to be with them. "i am too full of life to be half loved."

but it's okay. lethardnon is maintaining his best guy friend status and i'm extremely happy.

i love him a lot. with my whole heart actually, and i can't imagine how much it would hurt losing him.

on another note, i've been working a lot. making bank, trying to save and get ready for college.

i don't really love my job but i can't tell if that's because i'm lazy and don't like working in general or if I just really don't like my job. i'm making money at this point, so i don't really care.

and i just want to have a good summer.

and maybe that makes me selfish because of all the awful things going on right now.

the people that are scared or hurt, protesting, the movements, etc.

it's all extremely important, but i can't do anything about it because i'm sitting here in a small town full of conservative people and i'm scared.

but i'm sharing links and signing petitions and am trying my best to do the right things.

speaking of links, i'll provide a link (and any others i can find) at the end of this chapter.

i know no one except for me reads this but, just in case someone else is out there, take this time and do a good thing. be a good person. support our brothers and sisters in need of our help. our ability to make a difference.

the world is a really scary place right now.

covid-19 is still extremely prominent and people are literally risking their lives to protest because nothing is being done in our justice system to protect the lives and rights of people of color. at this current time, black people.

when i was younger, i always saw and respected the blacklivesmatter movement. i knew how important it was. but i never understood.

and i can never understand. but i can still support, respect, defend, speak up for, and stand WITH those that are a part of the movement. i see now how awful the system is. how genuinely corrupt and awful it is.

and i'm trying my best to do the right thing. i'm trying all the time.

but i still feel like i'm not doing enough.

boy. i really am terrible at writing in this book. it's now june 21, 2020..

i guess i should really split these up into smaller bits because i'm the worst.

if you're wondering, the movement is still going strong. the world is kinda scary right now.. but maybe i'll talk more about it later :(