diary of an anonymous author

a letter to

dear ,

this is my letter to you.

one that you won't ever receive directly from me. and one that i kind of hope you never read.

please know that i'm writing this as i'm exhausted and sad. and it came out of nowhere, so i'm writing. to you. (and continuing after spending an amazing weekend with you)

i'm sorry that i fell. that i couldn't stop myself from falling in love with the way you play guitar or brush my hair out of your face. i'm sorry that i fell in love with your dorky magic tricks and love for the stars.

fuck. i am so sorry that i fell in love with you.

but mainly i'm sorry that you can't love me back. that you can't give me a chance. that you can't take two seconds away from thinking too much to love me back. that i feel like i'm not enough.

it's crazy that you can make me feel like the most beautiful, funny, smart, and amazing girl on any day. constantly. all the time. but then i sit here and feel like i am lacking or not enough because you won't try.

and you shouldn't blame yourself because it is entirely my fault. i knew what i was doing when i first started to like you. to kiss you.

even the night we were sitting in my room at 3 AM and I had work the next day. We had just gone star-gazing and had never held hands. i hadn't fallen for you yet. and you hadn't kissed me. but god, i wanted you to. and you wanted to kiss me too.

instead, you kissed me the night of the most amazing shooting star i've ever seen. right after it crossed the sky and i had squeezed my eyes shut. i was freaking out trying to make a wish because i wanted it to come true.

i wish i could remember what i wished for. maybe to be a mermaid or to stay in that moment forever. but i don't remember because all i can remember is you kissing me. and how breathless i was in the moment. the feeling of your hands on my waist and the butterflies that i felt like were going to erupt out of me.

every time i am with you, i wish for time to slow down. for the world to pause so i can stay in the moment forever. so i can remember the details of your face and never forget them. so i can find the littlest of details that i love about you (like the birthmark on your right shoulder blade) and love them forever.

i would give anything to pause time when you have your arms wrapped under me. or when you're making me laugh because you're so funny. to be stuck in the moments in the dark where i know exactly what face you're making without seeing it. i want to have moments like that forever.

and that's why i don't want anyone else. that's why i don't want to meet people.

i never want to have those special moments with anyone else. and please don't guilt yourself for doing this because i am a perfectly big girl and knew exactly what i was doing. or at least i thought i did. but, it turned out more magical than i ever imagined.

you renewed my love for the sky. my weird insecurities. and myself.

i don't know if the purpose of this letter is to beg you to try. just once, for me.

or to say goodbye.

i don't remember what the original purpose was when i started writing.

but, i know that i want to fight. because that's what i've seen.

you may have never seen a long distance relationship work or you've seen others fail. but i've seen opposite.

i've seen people travel across the world for love. to fight for the people they want to be with. and to make any situation work because they simply couldn't imagine life without the other. or the other with any other person.

i will always and forever be your best friend. and if i'm really not who you want then i will learn to live with it. and maybe i'll fall out of love.

i will always support who you want to be, where you want to go, and what you want to do. and even if i'm not with you, i will always be there for every moment. because you're my best friend and i love you endlessly and forever.

but, i also love you.

and i'm asking you to pick me.

and i'm sorry if that's selfish... but, i don't regret it.

love endlessly and forever,

k