diary of an anonymous author

i am not a writer

3/7/22 - 10 pm

Hey all, it's been about 8 months since i've updated here and i think that's probably as it should be. if i updated often and actually tried to produce content then I would be a writer and i think we all know i'm not a writer.

not a serious one at least.

i can already feel a fun time coming on from my under-the-influence brain, where i can't focus on anything

my roommate, friend, and i are trying to get a wine bottle open. and by us, i truly mean that i'm sitting on the couch updating this while my roommate and our friend just watch him try to get the knife i wedged into the cork out. holy shit, i think he got it. not the cork, but the knife. and let's be honest, the cork is kinda the most important part.

i wanted to update today today to tell-

holy hell, he's decided to just push the cork in and has realized that if he pushes the entire thing in then he's gonna have to finish the bottle, alone (because we each got a bottle) tonight. which was currently my plan but i haven't had a great day.

i wanted to put a list of my plants, their names, and what they were (if that's okay):

- camille - camile dieffenbachia

- baby (dead/in-hibernation) - shamrock plant

- losten - global green

- jeb (jebediah) - fiddle leaf fig

- fiona - cacti

- cleo(r) - crassula jade

- twyla (dead/being replaced) - my tulips that died just because they're those kinda flowers

my roommate (i'm only referring to him as my roommate for now because i don't remember how i've referred to him)

- squidward: some type of succulent

- brad - cacti

that's our current little family, but i (of course) wanna expand when we're in a bigger place and i want to especially grow my own.

i'm not sure what all as changed in my life since i last wrote, but i'm happy to introduce some new characters (and kinda explain why some old ones left)!

- phoebe :  my friend that is roommates with my roommate's cousin/friend

- scooby snack  : my friend and my roommate's cousin/friend

- hailey  :  my roommate and i's new roommate for next school year

to set the record straight, i am smack dab in the middle of my 4th semester of college (spring 2022)(and i go to a different university) and 8 months ago, lethardnon and i started dating. i almost want to write like a story about it and get it all out, but i know that i won't remember everything and it's just gonna hurt more.

so, yes, lethardnon and i started dating 8 months ago (june 2021) after talking for about a year. we broke up for about a week the day of halloween (oct.  2021), got back together and have been here ever since.

however, today, lethardnon and i broke up.

and although i'm not as entirely pained as i was last time, my heart wrenches anytime i even think about him for more than 2 seconds.

we broke up, somewhat mutually, and on good terms but i think that we're both really hurting.

my current coping mechanism is my favorite wine and avoiding my school work and responsibilities. (this is gonna screw me tomorrow, but i guess i'll live...)

the last 8 months with lethardnon are so weird to explain. i was happy, and insecure, and angry, or frustrated, and giggly, and in-love. for explanation, we broke up because lethardnon couldn't reciprocate my in-love feelings and i didn't wanna force him to be in a situation that he wasn't entirely happy in.

it's also fair to myself if i am in love with someone that actually loves me back.

and i want to not blame lethardnon because i love him and because i'm under the influence and i'm hurting, but i just want to because of all of those things. and it's not his fault, he didn't mean to not love me back. and he really did try. he made me feel special, and sexy, and loved, and cared for. and i just can't imagine not feeling that way by him anymore.

not sleeping in his bed while he plays video game, happy to just be in the room.

not giving him head scratches, and nice touches, and face kisses.

not having him call me his girlfriend.

god that's the hardest part.

look at me being an emo little bitch amongst my friends. this makes me feel pathetic. the entire situation makes me feel small, and pathetic, and weak becuase WHY can not i not be in love with him?

today, cried for two hours in bed with him, and he stopped me from putting my hands on eyes so he couldn't see me, and wiped my tears away while i cried about him not being in love with me.

and kinda just... died.

weirdly, i think part of me did die. maybe this is just my next stage of adulthood that i'm supposed to be moving on to. maybe it really is.

but, god, i didn't want to break up. i didn't want to not be his and him not be mine.

it just wasn't what i wanted and i would love to be able to change his feelings, but i can't.

and in the mean time, i'm going to hang on by a thread because that's all i have left on keeping myself from being a wallowing and sobbing mess.

i really hope that this is just the influence pulling all of this out of me because then maybe sober k can keep herself together long enough to not fall apart, to get past being in love with this boy that i've loved for so long. so i can meet some super hot parisan man while i get a super gorgeous revenge body and never feel insecure ever again.

yeah, i think that's just gonna be my plan.

just keep on keeping on.

i'll probably update more over the next few weeks because i usually do stuff like this when i'm like this.

i also know that all makes it seem like i'm crazy and definitely lying about feeling better than last time, but honestly, you should've seen me in october. i don't think i've ever cried more (except for today... my eyes were almost swollen shut...

anyways, i'm gonna mope sadly on my phone before finishing my glass of wine so i can finish my bottle and go to sleep to rebegin myself tomorrow.. i have to refind the girl that wasn't in love with lethardnon because i almost forgot how to be her...

talk about personality.