diary of an anonymous author

nearing the end

hello non-existent journal that i only write in when i am hopelessly depressed,

i would like you to meet my journal that i write in when i am under the influence of alcohol.

i know that i'm writing this to no one but future k, but it still so nice to be saying hello again.

a couple of updates:

- i am less than a month away from graduating college

- i teach full time a high school right now in place of my student teaching

- i am attending cheer tryouts this week as a coach, for the first time

- i have a cat, let's call her pea (not her real name just because it's somewhat distinctive of who i am) and i got her in november

... i think those are the major plot points?

oh.. i guess i could update on my love life too, since the only person you've ever heard of is lethardnon.

it's been over a year now since lethardnon and i parted. if i'm being totally honest, i still miss him. however, i think that i miss him more as a friend than a companion because he was a much better friend to me. but, i've reached the point of "i forgive him for blah blah blah," "we both deserve to be happy," and other "blah blah blah".

the truth is that i've trying to force myself to acknowledge that i was not entirely perfect in that relationship. would i still say that he fucked up more than me? yes. but did i handle everything with grace? no. i was ragingly insecure and i let that takeaway from what our relationship could've been. just as he could've been more supportive and given a little more affirmation. but, overall, he is not a bad person. i am not a bad person. the girl he is with is not a bad person. i simply hope that he is happy and he treats her well because I know that i am.

some part of me hopes that we can be friends again one day, but i think i'm pretty okay not exploring that path ever again.

in that time, i've talked to.. like one man? fr?

he's really a boy, saying man would be a smidge too forgiving.

his name is evan (real name bc it really doesn't matter) and we talked off and on for a few months. he didn't commit (i swear i attract them) and i wanted commitment so we stopped talking, then we talked again, and then he found another girl that has far less icks about him than i do and he's happy. 

icks include:

- bodybuilding (to each their own, it's just.. not my thing)

- saying the r word

- saying the n word

- having his private snap story titled "life through *r-word's* eyes"

- having his phone name be "*r-word's* iphone"

etc. etc.

He was a nice guy, just vastly too immature for myself. Yet another individual that I hope is happy but I have no need or want to be friends with again.

NOW ABOUT ME because that's what this book is all about baby.

like i said, i'm  about to graduate college with my bachelor's degree in special education. and i am so... nervous? like... i spent so much time building up to this moment after high school that i really don't even know how to feel.

i decided last minute to apply for grad school (gags with nervousness) and that's not going well... necessarily..

i decided to apply because my undergraduate research lab is amazing and they inspired me, but now i'm sitting here wondering if i'm dumb because i truly have no idea how to write my essay for my application.

*cue wattpad*

i don't really have any free time to do anything that i care about. like read, or bake, or work out, or knit, or write. and it's my fault, it really is. because i work 7 days a week with teaching, serving, and school.

but i feel like i'm reaching the peak of how busy i'm going to be for this year. it's going to wind down soon.

then i get to spend the summer running around and teaching kids how to be cheerleaders!! AHHH I'M SO EXCITED!

-

on another note, i think i'm taking grad pics this week *cue gasp* and so i need to get a spray tan, a dress, and shoes that i cannot afford.

maybe i'll crop out my face and school and show yall my pics when they're done.

however, i'm pretty certain my doordash just arrived with my Chili's, so i'm gonna go and will promise to try and write more frequently.

happy updating!

love,

k