diary of an anonymous author

the songs

12.11.19

do you ever hear those songs that can completely change the way you feel?

that happens to me a lot with books, if the character is sad, i'm devastated, kind of situation.

but, i never really had that with music until the last few years.

i have some songs that hit my heart in the best way, the kind that i can't stop smiling from. (ex. out of my league by fitz and the tantrums)

but, there are also some songs that just make me sit quietly after a bout of uncontrollable laughter or happiness. (ex. everything i wanted by billie eilish)

sometimes i seek them out. if i'm happy, i listen to sad songs. if i'm sad, i listen to sad songs.

maybe i only purposely seek out sad songs (and the entirety of hamilton as my spotify 2019 unwrapped has told me) instead of happy songs. maybe happy songs are just happy coincidences that i happen to randomly click on, and they feel good.

when i'm anxious, or scared, or tired, or happy, or... i don't know, i seek out that music.

on a different note.

today, i drove home an acquaintance. the kind of guy that is just naturally popular and friendly. someone that i'm on good terms with. and it made me so.. ridiculously anxious?

maybe it's because my entire high school career i have felt so invisible and ignored. and for once, i am being seen by everybody. i changed my own game. i made my own rules. and i still hate everything about myself. but.. for once, not everybody else does too. 

what a game changer :)