diary of an anonymous author

the lost connection

12.12.19

it's crazy to think about the friendships you had when you were younger.

there was some that you thought were never going to go away, but you knew deep down they would.

and there were the others that you thought you KNEW were going to be there forever. the ones that would attend your weddings, and be a godparent to your kids, etc. etc.

i don't know which part of it hurts worse:

- the fact that they just stopped caring all together.

- or the overall loss of the friendship that meant so. fucking. much. to me.

after years of being ignored when girlfriends came into the picture, i stayed by robert's side. even when he ignored me, or didn't prioritize me as a friend. i stayed because i love... loved him. he was my best friend, my favorite person. someone that i genuinely, stupidly, thought would be in my life forever.

and i can acknowledge that it was a toxic situation, that people grow apart, that things go wrong. but there wasn't a warning sign, it just happened. a quick cut off of our friendship that was silent, deadly, and.. final. and i don't even think he realized that he did it.

robert and i had been friends since 4th grade and we're now both seniors in high school.

we "dated" in middle school after i moved 4 and a half hours away from him. we facetimed every day, or at least every week, and i saw him every chance i could when i visited home.

and eventually, he slowly became this person i didn't know.

i didn't understand the music he listened to, the people he hung out with. our calls became few and far between. now he almost never texts me back, and i'm lucky if he texts me first (but it's only if he needs something vague from me).

over the years, i never gave up. i worked to understand, i worked my ass off through relationships, and anxiety, and tough times, and the HELL OF A STRESS i put myself through because i loved robert so much that i knew i never wanted to lose him.

let me clarify, i am not in love. i was not in love. but, he was my best friend. and i loved him.

and yet, he never gave back. it was always my 95% give and his 100% ignore.

and even though i shouldn't, i know it's not how i should think, i can't help but wonder why he didn't love me back as much. why he couldn't put in that effort to keep me around.

so, now, i don't try. i don't text him, or snapchat him, or call him anymore. i don't reach out when i'm in town because i know he'll make an excuse as to why he can't see me. we aren't even best friends anymore, we are simply acquaintances because I know DAMN well that the person that i knew and loved isn't there anymore. and maybe i'm not the person he knew anymore either.

maybe that's why we grew apart. maybe that's why he stopped trying.

i just wish so hard i could get an actual answer from him.

today, i had hope. i was at a school event in his school district. so, stupidly, i text him and asked if he was going to be there. when he didn't respond, i picked up my phone and called him even though i was busy. because i hoped that maybe, just for a fraction of a second, the person that was my best friend would pick up and get excited that i was close. that he could see me again.

he didn't answer my call, and he simply responded with "No."

that hurt.

that hurt almost more than him lying to me over the summer.

let me explain.

a couple of old elementary school friends were in our hometown (and i live much closer than 4 hours away now), so i went to visit. we had plans to go swimming, get lunch, take pictures, etc. we just wanted to reconnect in a way that all of us hadn't in a long time.

and we did. this group of people that i loved then, and now, have grown and changed, and we still can connect.

i decided to invite him because they were his friends too, and he told me that he would be too tired by the time he got back from his sport's camp, but he was really sad to miss it. I was upset, but i told him I understood and we went about our day.

then later, on his snapchat, he posted a video of him and his friends screwing around, driving around town, and being dumb. right after he'd gotten back from his camp.

when i asked him about "being too tired" he pretty much just responded "oops, lol"

yeah. that. shit. hurt.

so it's really weird and hard, and it feels like a one sided break up.

if i were a early 2000's teen, i would definitely be on MySpace changing my status and indirectly calling him out about the current situation.

but instead, i'm an 18 year old girl, on wattpad, in her room, with tears dripping on her keyboard, because someone she loved very, very much.. stopped loving her.

and i'm working on being okay with it.. but frankly, some part of me will forever be missing the lost connection we had.

thankfully, i found the best connection.