diary of an anonymous author

examples of how anxiety runs of my life

12.20.19

this is really one example. as of writing this the title isn't really accurate to the specific story that i'm going to be talking about.

anxiety runs my life in so many ways.

specifically my love life.

i really like these two guys. one is close to me, but my anxiety is telling me that he doesn't really like me, and the other is far and is going to get further, but i know he likes me.

i also made out with someone that i really would have never, and probably won't ever again, but that's not the point.

i don't know what to do for these two people. 

the one that is near me, i really, really like. we've also previously, but briefly, "talked".  i liked him and he just didn't like me back as much.. or wasn't ready for a relationship... i don't know. it wasn't exactly ever "closed". I've always had feelings for him, which I've always thought of myself as stupid for having. But, maybe it's because my self-esteem is just.. so. so. soo. low. it's terrible. i'm also technically not "allowed" to date him because we're both involved in the same school activity/sport, but honestly, in this case, i'm special and am kinda free to do what i want. he has the funniest laugh and the weirdest personality, but he also has a lot of flaws. and yet, i sit here still desperately finding myself wanting to be with him.

the one that is far way is.. so kind. and very, very attractive. we've talked a lot the last couple of weeks and we've flirted. it's been.. fun. and i like him, i just don't know if i like him as much as the last guy. i just don't know him, and there's distance. it's kind of tearing my heart in two different directions. He's funny and kind and low key a badass. but, at the same time, i don't know him and there's the distance. I'm repeating myself, I know, and it's redundant. but those are the two major problems.

my anxiety tells me that the boy that is near me, let's call him Adam, won't ever like me. But, we constantly make eye contact and have been flirting and talking the past couple of days. i just haven't seen it. yet, all my friends are telling me. the. exact. opposite. my anxiety is telling me who to believe and who not to. And it's also telling me that things like this NEVER work out in my favor. and honestly, in my life, it's worked out for me one time in the way that i desperately wanted it to. who is to say that it will this time too?