diary of an anonymous author

two years later

dear lethardnon,

last week, i decided that i was 100% over you. i've moved on. any mourning that i do is for our friendship and for the person that you used to be. but, i've been done. that was decided and i'm sticking to it.

however, i am human and i'm allowing myself a moment to feel my feelings because i'm not going to let you make me feel crazy about it. you're not even here to make me feel crazy anymore.

happy two year anniversary. what would have been our two year anniversary.

i'm gonna write about it because i want to remember everything i can before i move on and don't feel anything anymore:

two years ago today, we drove an hour and a half to my favorite gas station with tantor simply because i wanted a taquito. i knew that we liked each other and i knew that i desperately wanted to kiss you, but we didn't. i dropped you off at your truck, waited for you to make a move, and was disappointed when you didn't. but, i turned on "snow" by the red hot chili peppers and drove home.

later that afternoon, you invited me up to your house to go stargazing and i was so excited.

i remember telling my parents that i was going to go up there and being so surprised that they didn't care. but, they loved you, so i guess it wasn't really.

i remember changing my outfit and brushing my teeth and being so nervous on my whole drive.

when i hit the drive way, i turned off my headlights and parked in the driveway to meet you at your truck. i got in and you drove into the field and we spent probably 15 or 20 minutes setting up the bed of the truck so we could see the stars.

and then we laid in your truck bed and just watched the sky, pointing out as many constellations as physically possible.

and i remember being so amazed at how many stars there were.

we awkwardly laid next to each other until you offered me to lay on your shoulder and i can literally remember the butterflies in my stomach as i laid on your shoulder. and i remember you being so comfortable. that shoulder felt like it was made for my head to lay there.

i don't know what we were talking about but i remember looking at you and when i looked back to the sky, the most grand shooting star flashed across the sky. it felt like we were in a movie. i bolted straight up and started going off about how amazing it was, how beautiful it was. and when i laid back down and looked up you at, you kissed me.

i know that i might have romanticized it in my head, but i remember feeling as though everything had clicked into place. it was like magic. in fact, i know it was magic. it was the most magical thing i've ever experienced.

and i... still cannot believe how amazing that was.

it's definitely on the top 10 moments i would go back to if i could.

and now, two years later, i'm sitting in my living room and crying while i write you a letter and you most likely couldn't care less.

i know that we are very different people now than we were then, but i didn't ever think we would lose that magic. but, eventually, you stopped looking at me the way you did in that moment. and you stopped wanting to be with me. and that's okay, i cannot judge you for having lost feelings. but, it hurts me a lot.

and even though i'm over you and i'm seeing other people, i miss you.

i miss the way that you made me feel and the way that i loved you.

i miss loving you and how safe a space you made your arms.

do you miss that too? or do you find more comfort and love in her arms? is she where you'd rather be?

it's been two years and i never expected that we wouldn't be speaking, that we wouldn't even be friends. that you would make me the crazy-ex in your head. but that did happen and that's where we are.

and i'll always miss the us that we were in that moment.

i might always wish we could go back to that.

and even now, despite all the shitty stuff that has been going on with us.

i love and care about you lethardnon. and happy two year anniversary to the most magical night.

i will, unfortunately, compare every next first kiss i have to that one. because i now know what it's supposed to feel like.

i hope that you're doing well and that you're happy. especially with her.

but, i've accepted that we're never going to speak again. and i think that i'm ok with that because i don't know who you are anymore and i don't want anything to do with you.

i'm sorry that this happened.

and i forgive you for letting go of the magic.

happy two years and goodbye lethardnon.

love,

k