diary of an anonymous author

the clown

"you didn't try. and that wasn't fair to me."

it's my second night in a row staying up until 3 am.

i'm not running on a lot of energy.. or sanity.

this week has taken a lot out of me.

my anxiety and insecurities have taken a lot out of me.

and it sucks when they're proven right.

i really liked adam. in fact, i think that i was even starting to fall for him. i know that sounds stupid because we didn't date for long at all. actually, every other relationship that has been this short i have jokingly called a "trial period" to exempt myself from guilt at moving on or getting over them very quickly. and now that it was actually a relationship, a person, that i cared for and valued i'm struggling.

i don't even know when he actually broke up with me. i just didn't think that at the start of the phone call i would be broken up. i didn't think that only a few minutes in, i would get a sick, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. i didn't that i would be bawling as hard as i have been.

i don't know if it's just because i've had a really busy, hard, and anxiety-ruled-week or what.

i was just.. so unprepared for every part of this situation.

i thought he was falling for me.

he told me that it was hard for him to be saying what he was saying when he wanted to be doing something else. basically that it was hard for him to be saying that he was breaking up with me when he wanted to be with me.

which makes zero sense.

i'm tired of the excuses.

my plan always consisted of never catching real feelings for him because i wasn't sure he was going to stick around. he promised and insisted and gave me security. and now.. it's just.. gone.

why didn't i kiss him the last time i was saying goodbye?

why didn't i see this coming? why am i hurting so bad?

i genuinely don't think i can handle not being able to look at things, or think of things, OR ENJOY PARTS OF MY LIFE AGAIN without being able to think of him.

2 years ago, i was in a relationship with someone that i thought was the love of my life. he was at the time. he was my first love.

to this day, when i listen to songs, or see movies, or even walk down the street. i still see things that make me think of him. as much as i wish i could remove the stain of him from my soul, he's just residing there and will forever. 

it's taken a long time to learn how to live with the stains. but now, i just have more.

I know that we have multiple loves in our lives.. and so far i've only discovered two:

- The First Love

and now.. The Almost Love.

I was ready to make the commitment to our relationship and face anything head on. I was ready to prove that I could be in love again, that I could be in another relationship.

I constantly talked to myself about it. about how no matter what, I would put the work in. I wouldn't let myself hurt him because I had wanted him for so long.

for such a short time, i got him and

his smelly room

his amazing family

his amazingly funny laugh

his terrible painting skills

his annoying pokes to my side

him..

it was all i wanted for the last year and a half..

and i fooled myself into thinking that i actually had it.

my friends may say that i'm not the dumb one because this is his fault. his reasoning is flawed, he's being childish, etc. so so many things. but i knew i shouldn't have let myself get comfortable. or let myself trust him. i shouldn't have let this happen.. and i did. that makes me the dumb one. THAT makes me the clown...

i think this time i'm really going to take a break from guys lmao.

who knew heartbreak was the best deterrent?