Dysphoria

Chapter Fourty Six

I got up the next morning, and Nate had already left to get ready for school at his house. I knew I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night, then Fez woke me up at four, I felt like I hadn't gotten any sleep at all. My hair needed to be washed but I didn't have the energy so I slicked it into a tight high bun, did my makeup and put in my hoops. I kept my outfit simple, high waisted jeans and a halter crop top. One of the teachers would probably give me a right up but fuck it.

I went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a glass of juice and take my prenatal gummy. It came as a huge shock to see my mother already downstairs. She was normally never up before I left for school.

"Good morning." I said walking past her to get to the fridge. She didn't reply, instead she watched me. Her face was pinched.

"Did you have a boy staying over here last night?" She demanded crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yes, I did. Why do you ask?" Scoffing at her sudden burst of interest in my life. I really didn't have the energy to fight with her right now.

"Because I saw him sneaking out an hour ago." She said accusingly. "And who was that banging the front door down in the middle of the night hmm? What the hell is going on?"

"I don't have to tell you everything going on in my life but I'm sorry if the banging woke you up-

"No Nia, I don't want to hear it! What would your father say? Sneaking boys into the house, people coming at all hours of the day and night, getting tattoos. You're a disgrace." She spat at me.

"I'm the disgrace?" I shot back. "Sorry I don't meet your expectations but I couldn't give a single fuck what Dad would think of me now.

"But since you care so much about it, what would he think if he could see the state of you Mom! Have you even showered yet this week? Had a drink yet this morning?"

"How dare you. How dare- I drink because I'm...I'm unhappy. My life is ruined. I'm a widow and you brought me here. You ruined my life-

"Oh fuck off Mom! You're a fucking hypocrite. We're all unhappy but we can't blame everything wrong in our lives on to other people! But guess what, if you don't want to live here there's nothing stopping you from leaving. You know where the fucking door is. Cuz I have news for you, I'm pregnant! And frankly I don't have the time or energy to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and be your emotional punching bag!"

She looked dumbstruck, and all the blood rushed out of her face. "Pregnant? You're out of control...you're a disgrace, you're nothing but a whore."

"Fuck it!" I shouted throwing my hands in the air. "Yeah Mom, I got pregnant and to you that makes me a whore. But guess what, you raised me. And you're not a good person. Neither was Dad. But at least Dad's dead, so that stops you from admitting to yourself what a shit fucking mother you've been all these years."

I couldn't bear to look at her a second longer.

She shouted something at me before I stormed out the front door and slammed it behind me.

Fucking bitch.

I sat into my car almost shaking with anger. I reversed down the drive way as fast as I could wanting to get as far away from the house as I could.

I don't really remember how I got to school, I could have driven through ten red lights for all I knew, but as soon as I parked the car in the parking lot I sat in the seat with my head resting on the steering wheel trying to get my head right. This wasn't the first time she had tried to control me by guilt tripping me or shaming me, I reasoned with myself, and it probably wouldn't be the last time. But the difference is I wasn't going to let her make me spiral any more. If she hated me fine, I hated her too. If she wished I was different, well I had wished the same thing my entire life.