Dysphoria

Chapter Fourty Eight

I spent past day at the Jacobs doing some homework just to keep myself busy. I spoke to Officer Rodgers for a little while and let him know how I was doing. I kept having really horrible intrusive thoughts about my mother and if circumstances were different I really wished I could have a joint or a Xanax right now. I sent around a text to a couple of people from school the time and address of service if they wanted to come but I wasn't expecting many people to turn up honestly.

Kat and Maddy had come over to help me get ready for the service and to keep me company.

"Maddy don't, don't cry. You'll make me cry." I warned her giving her a tight hug. I just sat in silence as they helped me get dressed, do my hair and makeup. We kept it pretty simple, Maddy did my makeup while Kat did my hair. It was growing so long she got tired half way through curling it.

"You can't ask a Virgo to do this shit." Kat muttered tugging the cord impatiently.

"Then why do y'all wanna act like God left you in charge?" Maddy said doing my lip liner.

I tried not to smile and ruin her lip line but I had really missed these two catty bitches. I slid on a mid length grey silk skirt and an off the shoulder black top.

I text Nate to say the two girls would drive me over to the Funeral Home and him and his Mom would meet us there. Again, I didn't expect Marsha to come but it was really very sweet of her.

I was nervous to talk inside the building, the reality and dread of  situation made me hesitate. I took a deep breath but saw Nate waiting in the lobby for me wearing a white shirt and black tie. I knew whatever room or situation I went into...if he was there too I'd be safe.

We were brought into the family viewing room, it was painted in calm peaceful colors almost like a really nice dentist office. It was kind of bizarre, there were comfortable seats and with a large glass window into the cremation centre so we could see the process.

"I'm not sure how much of this I can handle." I whispered to Nate feeling really nervous.

"Hey. I know you can." He replied calmly squeezing my wrist. "We can handle this. Together."

Principal Hayes was there. He gave me a small hug and told me he was very sorry for my loss and what a terrible tragedy this was. That he and the other staff at school would do everything they possible can to help me through this, they had even paid for a bunch of flowers and a card which was surprisingly thoughtful.

Jules and Elliot both came and gave me a tight group hug. Jules kept crying and then stopping and crying again. I could see she was struggling being here and I felt bad. "Im so sorry."

"Don't be," I hugged her tightly, whispering into her ear "most of the time my mom was a bitch."

She immediately smiled big, "Lol mine too."

Elliot hugged me as well and quietly said, "Rue said she wanted to come but...

"No need to explain, I get it 100%, I don't want this shit to trigger her at all and I'm glad she made the right choice for her self." I gave him a little smile in understanding.

Last to arrive were Fez and Ash. Fez was wearing a dark knit sweater and black trousers carrying a big bouquet of Easter Lillies. I could see how much he was fretting as he walked over to me and hugged me. The smell of his cologne was comforting and painful, I wanted to push him away and hold on to him all at the same time.

Fez leaned in to kiss my cheek causing Nate to clear his throat sharply behind me but he did it anyway.

Fez stepped to the side with the others leaving Ash. As soon as I saw him, that's when I broke.