My Safe Place

4/27/22

"How do you really feel about _______?"

I can in all honesty say that I love him...However I can also say with complete honesty that I wish I didn't. I actually kind of wish we'd never met, never became friends. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I have false hope of something that will never happen. I love him, meaning I put his happiness before my own. His feelings and well being matter more to me than mine. So even when it's physically hurting me to put myself through all the stress that's become of this for me, I can and will still continue to do it because at least he's happy. He doesn't know what I do to myself. The mental harm I cause to myself. All the times I yelled at the mirror about how much I hate myself.

But then I look back on how much he's changed me, helped me grow as a person. Every memory I have involving him, he's always taken care of me (as long as we've been friends at least). He's stretched my comfort zone, without forcing anything upon me. Every time I've been scared or upset, he's there for me to make sure I'm alright. He never gets mad at me for how often I text or send him songs, although I know I can be annoying.

I've also realized something tonight. I'm not sure I would even consider us friends anymore, as much as I hate myself for saying that. We can text back and forth all day, everyday, but the minute we're in person, we avoid each other. We walked past each other multiple times tonight and we acted as if we didn't even know each other. I'm not even joking when I say I wanted to cry. I think his sister may have noticed it on my face. You know what it reminds me of? Every Disney Channel show where the couple breaks up (I know we weren't together, I'm just relating this to him) and then avoids each other for the next 5 or so episodes until their friends force them to talk and work it out. We're in those 5 episodes right now.

I can't help but wonder how things would be different if I had neve said anything last October. If I never sent that song, or at least not told him to listen to the lyrics.

I was helping my sister respond to someones text today and I understand more of how he felt at the time. I will never actually know everything that went through his mind that day, but I now get how unexpected and even weird it was for him. He wont see this, but I'm sorry. Even if he were to see it, the apology will mean nothing as he's heard it tons of times, and keeps saying there's nothing to be sorry for. I disagree. Everything could have been avoided if I never pressed send....