My Safe Place

9/30/21

First off, all of the following was written on the above date. I just couldnt publish it then.

I'm not supposed to be on here. My parents took my social media away because my anxiety got really bad. It has nothing to do with the social media, but I don't know when I will have it back and I will explain more then.

I just have something I need to write down so that maybe I can stop thinking about it. @AlyssTreaty you are not to mention anything I say to your brother. Understand? I don't know if you're supposed to know any of the things I will talk about, so keep your mouth shut. Thank you :) Also, Thant wasn't meant to be mean. I've kinda become hyperaware of the fact that a lot of what I say through texts seems rude but isn't supposed to be.

First of all, I'm kind of annoyed with Unicorn at the moment. I don't know that I would say I'm mad though. At least not yet. I need to talk to him about something, and I've told him that twice now, but he has just forgotten. I know he's not perfect and that he's human. That's why I know I will get over this and be fine soon. I will also probably talk to him about it at some point.

Last weekend, my cousins stayed over and we stayed up till 1 am talking about our grandpa who passed away in August. We were talking about the memories we had with him. I realized that I don't have as many memories as my cousins or sister did. Like 90 percent of the memories I have were from after we found out he had cancer. But my sister and cousins kept talking about all the memories they had of hunting with him, like getting their first hunting license, shooting their first deer, ect. When I was younger I never cared about hunting. My grandpa would ask me every time he was going to hunt, if I wanted to come. I always made some stupid excuse. That's all I thought about the rest of that night.

There is more significance to the hunting part of the memories...Unicorn had said, probably an hour or two before I was talking to my cousins, that we should go hunting sometime. To which I said, I don't hunt. Just like I did when I was younger. Except I feel like it came off a bit rude and I wanted to apologize about it when I talked to him about all of this.

The more I think about it, I still feel like my grandpa wants me to hunt, and as stupid as it sounds, I feel like he is trying to get to me through Unicorn, since that is the only person who has gained enough of my trust to get me outside my comfort zone. I don't want to miss this opportunity like I did every one when I was younger. I don't want to take for granted what I have. I think it's at least worth trying it, because I can hate what I've never done.

And even though I am annoyed and maybe a bit upset with him, I can't hate him. Even If I wanted to. If he were to text or call me right now and say there was something wrong, I would be there for him 100% without question. He is the one that taught me how to trust when all my trust was broken because of something that happened to one of my friends and her sister. (not my story to tell, so I will not speak of it yet.) I know being mad and getting in fights is completely normal, and it's whether or not you can work through them and move on that determines if it is a healthy friendship/relationship.

In the end, I know I will be fine, I just needed to get it written down for me to stop overthinking it. I will talk to Unicorn when I can so that I don't keep it built up inside. After all, I know I can trust him, so it shouldn't be too hard....Anyway, thanks for being here.

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Edit:

I talked to Unicorn today and I feel so much better. I told him that I have given in and decided to at least try hunting, and I think it's safe to assume he was happy.