Love The Way You Lie

25

Warning: Medyo SPG
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Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang pumikit siya, sabay yuko at dahan-dahang lumapit sa mukha ko. I was about to close my eyes too when I heard someone click the doorbell of his unit kaya realization hit me. Mabilis akong lumayo sa kanya.

"B-buksan ko lang 'yung pinto." hindi ako makatingin sa kanya ngayon at paniguradong pulang-pula na ang pisngi ko.

Naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ko kaya natigilan ako.

"Look what you're wearing. Lalabas ka ba talaga na ganyan ang suot?" may inis sa kanyang tono.

"I can just hide myself from the door. Saka, wala naman sila makikita sa dibdib ko. It's small! I'm flat chested, you see? Hindi bakat." tugon ko naman.

Matagal ko na tinanggap ang dibdib ko and it's one of my biggest insecurity but as time passes by I learned to accept it at I am proud enough of my boobs even though it's flat. There's nothing wrong with it naman I, myself find it hot too! Maliit man ang dibdib ko bawing bawi naman ako sa ganda 'no.

Kitang-kita ang iritasyon sa ekspresyon niya. "Gan'yan ka ba kapag may kumakatok sa bahay mo? You're still a woman!"

"Fine then open that damn door by yourself." inis na sabi ko at tinalikuran na siya upang hanapin ang kanyang washing machine.

Nakita ko 'to sa isang maliit na silid bago sa balcony. Pumasok ako at nilagay ang hinubad ko sa washing machine. Habang hinihintay ko matapos ay dumiretso ako sa balcony.

Sumalubong sa'kin ang nag gagandahang city lights. Huminto na ang ulan ngunit nababalot ang paligid ng napaka lamig na hangin kaya napayakap ako sa aking sarili. Ang mahaba kong buhok ay sumasagabal sa aking mukha dahil nililipad 'to sa lakas ng hangin.

Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kalangitan na napaka dilim. Walang bituin dahil natatakpan ng itim na ulap ngunit mayroong kalahating buwan.

Nabaling ang atensyon ko sa hawak kong kwintas na huling ibinigay sa'kin ni Lucas. I didn't realize that I am still wearing and keeping this. I wonder kung nakita niya na suot ko pa rin 'to. Maybe, after all those years I'm still holding onto him. I just can't moved on.

This necklace had such a great memory of us. It feels like he really loves me when he gave this to me but I don't want to expect. I know that he's thinking about my sister when he gave this necklace to me.

Mapait akong napangiti.

Itinago ko lang pala lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko noon. Akala ko unti-unti ko na nakalimutan ngunit ibinaon ko lang pala siya sa puso ko. The pain is still here. I just don't want to think about it kaya nasanay ako but I didn't heal at all.  

It's really important to have closure that ended a family and romantic relationship but I think not having a closure is a closure. We just have to be done and let things happen as we accept that people always come and go. There's no permanent in life.

Letting people go and accepting  as we move forward is already a closure but I don't know how and where to start.

Sobrang hirap bitawan ng tao at ala-alang minsan na nagbigay ng kulay sa madilim nating mundo.

Or maybe no, hindi mahirap bitawan 'yong tao but the memory and feelings itself where you feel loved. The way they make you smile even the smallest act and things. It's because they become one of your reason to live. Even if that love is toxic, not real and full of lies still there's a time that they made you feel worth and safe. It's hard because you saw your future with them.

But holding onto someone who doesn't have the same feelings as you is much harder and the best thing we can do is let them go and say goodbye because we have to... even if we don't want to.