✰ Rap Star ⤑ Changlix

24

I stare ahead of me, my hands clenching the fabric of my pants. Minho is going over some choreography with a girl in our class. How long has it been since I met him? Four months? It's weird how time flew by so quickly. One minute I was crying in my bed over my ex, and now I'm here, staring at Minho with a sour expression. I sip my drink and turn my gaze away. It's been bothering me lately how he's so close to other people. I guess Minho and I have gotten really close. We talk almost everyday and when we don't, he makes up for it by bringing me an iced americano. We have this silent agreement that we are best friends. We do everything together. After he forced his way into my life, there wasn't a moment where he wasn't by my side. Even when I'm performing he's always there to congratulate me at the end. If I mess up he's there to comfort me. My eyes widen. No. I can't be falling for Minho, right? I snap my attention back to him. My eyes trail his bodies outline. Sure, he's handsome, sweet, and intelligent. There's no way I like him though. Not like that. I can't see myself with him.
I drift into a short daydream, imagining Minho in my arms talking about some dance he wants to practice with me. He smiles at me and leans forward, our lips locking for a second. The dream ends and I realize that I don't hate the idea of kissing him. I want to. I grab my bag and speed out of the studio. I can't like Minho. There's no way I can fall for him. I won't let myself ruin a friendship like ours. These feelings will go away. They'll eventually leave. The next few days all I can think about is Minho. Somewhere along the way I even start comparing him to my ex. The differences in how I feel about him than how I felt for my ex. It's slow and tedious, the analyzation.
Minho treats me so well I can't figure out if it's as a friend or more. I guess it doesn't really matter. This is the time for me to find out what I feel. I stare at my wall with my eyes welling with tears.

I've fallen in love with Lee Minho.

When did it happen? There's this weird feeling I get when he's not near me. I feel so empty and alone. Even just not talking to him for three days has been a struggle. I want to call him and hang out with him. I want to drown in his eyes and wrap my arm around his shoulder so I can feel his touch. I want to kiss him and tell him so many things that friends don't get to tell each other. How do you know if someone is more than a friend to you? You want to kiss them, go through everything with them, see the better in them, but that can easily be misunderstood as fake feelings. What's different with Minho? Why am I in love with him?
Is it because he never expects anything from me? Is it because he treats me like an actual person and not some electronic that lends him money whenever he needs it? Is it because he talks to me about things when he doesn't understand? Is it because he compliments me all the time? I don't understand anything. These feelings are weird. I felt something similar to my ex, but it wasn't this strong. With my ex it was just me blindly giving him my everything because I assumed he loved me back. He told me he liked me so I trusted him without doubt. But I did doubt him. I was always questioning everything but then going through with it.
Minho is different. We aren't even dating but he makes me feel reassured. I place my hands on my face. I'm in love with Minho. This isn't some seventeen-year-old puppy crush. I think I actually have serious feelings for Minho. I'm not ready for these emotions. Can't they go away? I'm only eighteen. I don't want to fall in love again so soon. Okay, so then I won't. I'll stop myself from falling in love. I'll quit dance. I'll stop contacting him as much. I'll put the needed distance between us.
This is exactly what I do. I do quit dance and I don't call Minho every night. It hurts me to do it, but I'm too scared. I don't want to lose Minho. Falling in love is dangerous. You just end up hurting each other. He probably doesn't even have feelings for me, so this won't effect him. This thought is proven wrong. I'm not sure if he likes me but I do know that me stopping our constant communication effects him.
"Jisung," I hear a stern voice behind me. I turn and give a weak smile to Minho.
"What's up?"
"Why are you ignoring my calls? You won't even text me back," he's angry. I can tell by his dead tone of voice.
I swallow the lump in my throat and try my best to lie. "I've been busy."
"Busy? So then what's got you so busy that you quit dance?"
"Just, you know, this and that," I reply.
"You are worrying me," Minho whispers, grabbing my wrist. He pulls me closer, his eyes forcing me to stay close. I can't resist drowning his small brown pools.
My heart skips a beat. He's worried. I want to kiss him. I want to tell him I love him. Instead, because I'm terrified of these feelings inside me, and the unknown results of them, I shove him away. "You don't need to worry, I'm fine. I've just been busy with my mom," I lie.
"You tell me everything, Jisung. Why now are you stopping?"
I grit my teeth. Why does he keep pushing me? "I don't have to tell you everything, alright? I don't want to."
Minho goes silent. I take a deep breath and look at him, ready to argue if needed. I don't need to. Minho is staring at me with a distant look, his arms limp by his sides. His worried expression slowly changes into one I recognize far too well. The one I wore when I broke up with my ex. The dead look you can't help but wear when your heart breaks in two. Minho snaps out of the silence after a few minutes. He fixes his bag on his shoulder and walks past me.
"I know you don't mean that. We'll talk about this when you are ready," he whispers.
Why does he know that? How can he tell so easily with me? He's so hard to read, yet here I am, an open book to him and everyone else I know. I hate it. I want know what people are thinking. Why did he have that look in his eyes? Does he really not love me or am I just making myself believe that so I don't start something with him? I'm so fucking confused. My ringing phone snaps me out of my thoughts. It's Chris. He reminds me that we have a gig tonight. I ask him if we can rearrange it so I have the last song to myself. He agrees knowing that I only ask if I have pent up stress in need of releasing.
When it comes around to the time, I stare at the crowd. Minho isn't in view. He's probably not here. I push my cap down so no one can see the tears welling up in my eyes. So they can't see the way my lips tremble when the start of the song blares through the speakers. @ My Worst, by Blackbear.

"Yeah. This is the end, this is the end, this is the end of me. Playin' pretend that I'm available emotionally."

Tears start to roll down my face. I keep falling down the rabbit hole. Can't I stop? Just for two or three years let there be no heartache. I know good things only come with pain. If I give up those amazing things will the hurt run off too? My voice is raw and I feel weak.

"Maybe I'm the best mistake you ever made. It sounds so fuckin' beautiful when you say my name. I'm praying to a God, a God I don't believe. The more I hide my scars, the easier I bleed."

I love him. I don't want to lose him. I pushed him away already though. He was angry. He said we'd talk again, but I'll just push him away then too, right?

"Could you love me at my worst?
Could you love me even though that, that it hurts?"

I want his love.

"Don't try to call, do not disturb, I do not want to speak. This is the end, demons are friends, angels are enemies. I'm just a fool, stuck in the past, your worst memories. I'm not ready for you to forget me."

The chorus rings out. I tighten my grip on the mic stand in front of me.

"I showed you all my scars that I let nobody see."

Minho isn't my ex. Minho isn't like him at all. Why can't I just force myself to accept that? Why doesn't my mind do what I want it to do? Why do doubts cloud my head all the time? Why? It's always why. He's going to leave. How do I stop this from happening? How do I keep myself from falling so hard that it hurts to be by his side as just a friend? Can't I ever be satisfied?

"The more you try to fix me, the more you make it worse. Could you love me at my worst?"

Is it sad to admit if I didn't have Minho that I wouldn't have gotten over my ex so easily?
When the song finishes I rush off stage. I can't see well. My eyes are foggy and my throat hurts from holding back a sob. The next song starts playing and I feel the music vibrating through my body. For once, I hate it. I don't want to feel all of this. I want silence. If I feel the rhythm I automatically think of Minho. How we had that one assignment where we had to partner up. His touch on my waist. I find myself in the alley outside of the club. The music is muted now so I'm okay. I'm okay. I keep reassuring myself that I'm not lying. It doesn't work. I bury my head into my knees as I sit on the ground. I wish I didn't have a heart.
"Jisung," No. Why is he here? My hold on myself tightens. Footsteps stop in front of me. Minho's prying my hands away from my head. I try to fight him but eventually lose when he yells at me in frustration. "Stop fighting me! Just tell me what's wrong!"
"Leave me alone!" I yell back at him. I don't raise my voice at anyone unless I feel endangered. Right now, I'm not safe. It's not even Minho that I'm afraid of. It's myself. "Stop caring about me! Why did you even come in my life? I don't want you here!" I say shit I don't mean. Things I know will hurt him so he leaves me alone. He does. I hit the wrong note on the piano and I fail. I lost in this stupid game of life. Why did I let my emotions control me?