A promise to kill

I hope he rots in hell

(So this will just be a quick explanation of what all happened the last 2-3 episodes regarding the vision of death and such. Also where Layla is t the moment and what's going on through her head... It all quite confusing even to me but bare with me; I've lost my train of thought and forgot what I really want to do with this chapter. If I ever remember, I'll come back and rewrite it all. I kind of just go on a tangent here because I'm in a philosophy of religion class and my head is a mess in regards to the concept of god and heaven and hell and all that stuff. Btw, I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts of religion if you have a spare moment! At the moment we are studying the idea of Knights of Faith and Infinite Resignation by Kierkegaard!!! But please don't if you are someone with a very concrete and definite faith trying to convert others, I just want to learn not be persuaded or pulled into a debate; thank you kindly)

It felt like a dream to be asleep and yet at the same time be conscious of all that happens around me. This devil fruit turned out to be so unreasonably difficult yet useful at the same time. There's so much that I could do with it yet the same devil fruit held me back from it.  Clearly, in the wrong hands, it could be used for awful horrible things, actually in anyones hands, it could be used for awful things. It just so happened that what I selfishly wanted to do would have hurt all the people I wanted to protect so I was able to make the selfless decision.  If I were alone without a care in the world, I don't know if I wouldn't have been able to make the same choice.  If I were alone, still a slave maybe, then I might have joined Kaido and let him use me to create a devil fruit tree because maybe then to my lonesome self, I would have been useful to someone. I would have let my visions come true, but if I were still a slave, I would have never ate the devil fruit so maybe what ifs, isn't the right way to think about it all. If I never ate the devil fruit, maybe Killer, would have eaten it and that would have been a whole mother story.

Visions, apparently something that happened once death is near. They say any old tree will know when death in near and they will do anything in it's power to somehow survive. Some trees will let them selves wither away, their leaves brown and fall , pretend to die all the while allowing their roots to grow and strengthen so that when the time comes, they will resurface as a stronger tree. Others will use their last remaining days to flower and bare fruit so that maybe, hopefully their seeds will one day grow into a tree as well. 
That's what my vision was, a warning to prepare for the death. A warning that warned me of the inevitable, something that I would not be able to change but I could prepare for instead to ultimately save myself from.

Maybe it was a coincidence and a power that I inherited from the ancient trees of Wano but as soon as I tapped into their dormant roots while breaking out of that prison, as if I'd known all my life, a vision of my death became a part of my memory.

Yes, like a dream. I know everything that Is going on around me yet, I don't know. I know that world is changing, people are winning, losing, fighting, and dying. The ocean rises and falls. I can feel it as if I am there, watching it all happen but I'm not.
I can't help but to wonder if we had indeed run away from Kaido.
No, I don't need to wonder, perhaps I know. I would have still been used by another. A different person, the marines perhaps, but still used for the same purpose.
No matter the dimension, no matter what I would have done, the end would have been the same. I would have been captured once again, people would have suffered, the crew possibly killed and or imprisoned, probably killed in all honesty.

Time isn't something I can be conscious of. I can't even tell if I've died or not. Sometimes I feel a soft breeze and feel the warmth of the sun but it feels as if I'm experiencing it through another person's body. Not mine.

Killer, I think of him often. I wonder what he is doing, how he is doing. If it's been years and year, I can't help but hope he has moved on and found happiness elsewhere. I hope that the whole crew is doing well, or did well if so much time has passed and they have all died. I hope that Kid, he found all the joys in life that he could have ever dreamed of. I hope he was able to find one piece and become pirate king but at the same time, I wish the same thing for my dearest younger brother. I hope that Wire was able to meet the love of his life, a woman that is his type  that he actually saw as a woman, I hope that Wire found a better way to lace his corsets. I hope that Trafalgar Law was able to find his peace and finally able to sleep decently enough to get rid of the dark circles under his eyes. I  hope that the blond cook, Sanjay was it, found a girl that loves being spoiled just as much as he loves spoiling them. I hope a lot of thing for so many people but I also hope that Doflamingo died a brutal death and even if he didn't I hope his soul rots in hell.

Perhaps not all of my hopes are kind or peaceful but that's proof that I'm indeed not dead or something other than myself.If I were really dying, I'm sure that I would have somehow found peace with all that happened in my life and would feel the need to let go but I still hold a grudge and want to hold a grudge so I really believe that that's proof that I am still somehow, someway alive.

Actually, Killer, as much as I hope that he found some happiness and peace, I hope he never forgot about me. Cruel maybe to hope that i remained in his thoughts but I hope he will forever remember me because maybe as much as he was obsessed with me, I am or was obsessed with him. I hope he hurts every time he thinks of me and wishes that I were there. I lied, I don't wish that he find love. I deserve to be selfish, I believe so. No one else can hear these thoughts, only myself so I should be allowed to be selfish, even if only in my thoughts.

And so selfishly, I hope Killer suffers everyday, missing me. I hope Kid regrets having let me do all that I did while alive. I hope Akainu was brutally murdered and beaten by the pirates that he hates so much. Or maybe I hope he is killed or imprisoned by the marines that he loves so much, maybe being betrayed by the system that he loves will hurt more than being killed by pirates. I still hope Doflamingo died a dreadful death of silence, alone and forgotten by the world and I hope once again, I hope that his soul burns to nothingness where he is forgotten in time, never to be remembered but at least unlike Akainu, Doffy, that pitiful man can have claimed to live a true pirate's life; I can give him that much and I can only hate him for all that he has done to me. Again, maybe these horrible thoughts, these selfish hopes are what made me truly a Kid Pirate; the sharpshooter of a notorious, merciless and brutal crew.

I suppose when we all die, if there really is a hell, I will see everyone, the whole crew there. None of us are innocent.

That's reassuring, knowing that I will see then again even if it is death. Hell can't be that bad, especially if we are all together.

I hope that when we die, that there is a special place for pirates because who's to say a pirate has lived a good or bad life? We are pirates, all we we can be called is free, there is no good or bad way to live. Who's to say we deserve hell or not.

Pirates are free, as free as the waves of the sea, like the birds in the sky, as free as they can ever be. Free to smile, to laugh, to love, to hate, to kill, and even to murder. Who's to say that any of that is wrong.

Who's to say a pirate deserves hell. Perhaps hell itself is a place where pirates belong, where nothing is answered and our souls wander in an infinite wonder and adventure, always looking for the next big thing, always sailing looking for a purpose, never finding an answer, never finding peace.  To some, that might be the ultimate hell but I think to any great pirate, that is the greatest paradise, to forever live in the moment, never knowing the future, never having answers.