Silver Clouds [COMPLETE]

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I shifted back to my chair after helping Jordan sit up more. I knew that this was a serious and nerve wracking conversation so I wanted it to be as comfortable for him as possible.

As I crossed my legs in the chair, nerves tried to creep up my throat, but I pushed them down. This was just a conversation with Jordan. I could do this.

I didn't want to push him so I sat patiently, letting him start to talk when he was ready. As I waited, I watched the war going on inside his mind and heart. The want to fix the gaping whole in his relationship with God, whatever the cause of that whole, and to talk to me battling with the need to keep it all to himself and push me away. It was his defense mechanism, I was realizing, and I was glad to see him at least trying to get over the habit and temptation of isolating himself.

What felt like hours later, he finally closed his eyes and spoke, his voice so low I had to lean in to hear him. "My parents have always been Christian. They grew up in the church, they volunteered, gave tithe, and prayed for everyone they came into contact with. By the time I was three I had the Lord's Prayer memorized by heart." His voice caught and he had to take a second to regain his words before continuing. "In the beginning, when I first started to realize what being a Christian really meant, I loved it so much. I loved talking to God and reading my Bible and doing all the things my parents did.

"But as I got older, I started to get bored, you know? I was a teenager and going to church every single Sunday felt tedious and stupid. I wanted to hang out with my... not so great friends instead of listening to an old preacher drag on for two hours. And I told my parents exactly that. Of course, they got upset with me and that night just ended in a screaming match. Deep down, I felt guilty but I was too stubborn to admit to being wrong. So the next Sunday, I just didn't go to church with them and there wasn't much they could do to convince me to go."

He released a shaky breath and let his head fall back onto his pillow. His eyes squeezed shut and I could see the pain of reliving those memories stretched across his face.

"One Sunday, I went to hang out with my friends and... things got really bad. They broke into a store and stole a whole bunch of things and beat up this guy in the parking lot who tried to stop us... There was so much blood, Ella. So much blood..." His voice broke and I hurt so much for him that I reached out and took his hand. He gripped it like a lifeline, helping him to continue.

"After that, I was never the same. I decided that I didn't like where my life was going and I needed to fix it. And the only thing I could think of was God. So I tried to patch things up with my parents. I ditched my toxic friends. I started going to church again. And slowly, everything started to get better. I had a closer relationship with my family and God than I had ever had."

Nothing else came. He sat there in silence. But I knew there was more. Because there was such a separation from God that I could see plainly in our conversations.

So, gently, I prompted him, "What happened?"

His eyes fluttered back open and my breath caught when I saw tears rimming his bottom eyelids. "Cancer happened."

And there it was.

Slowly but surely, it started to patch together in my head. "When you thought you were the closest to God, something so bad happened... Jordan, you don't think God did this to you, do you?"

"No... But I just don't understand how he could let it happen. I was doing everything right. Everything." He was starting to get angry. "He's supposed to be the God of love and mercy but where was that love when I was told I only have a thirty percent chance of survival? Where was that love when I locked myself in my closet and begged for Him to take this away? Where was His love in any of this?"