Silver Clouds [COMPLETE]

°•° 36 °•°

I wasn't sure if I was really living for the next few days. I went back to my apartment and ignored the messages from the band, asking if everything went well. I had zero physical or emotional energy left.

I crashed into my bed and the second my head hit the pillow, I was out.

I slept for a solid twelve hours, and only woke up from the ringing of my phone. I didn't even check the ID because I knew it was Harper. I wouldn't... couldn't talk to her right now. I wasn't sure I could talk to anyone.

After a whole day of ignoring them, I woke up from a five hour nap to Harper knocking on my door. "Ella?"

I buried my face in my pillow without responding.

"Ella, I know you're in there."

I didn't respond.

"Please, everyone is worried about you. Can you just tell us what happened?"

No, I thought to myself. Even if I wanted to, I didn't think I physically could.

After a long moment, her muffled sigh somehow made it through the door. "I brought ice cream."

I peeked out from around my pillow.

"Hey," she whispered when I finally opened the door. "Wow, you look awful."

I didn't reply. Just took the Häagen-Dazs container from her hands and dragged myself back into my apartment.

She followed me in tentatively as I rummaged through my kitchen, looking for a clean spoon. I hadn't done dishes in days. After I found one that was at least relatively clean, I let myself fall onto the couch. Harper was still standing just inside the door, watching me.

I popped off the lid and stabbed the half melted ice cream.

With a sigh, Harper closed my apartment door and made her way deeper in. She still stared at me, like I was some rare species at the zoo that she had never seen before. I honestly didn't care. I just wanted ice cream.

She sided up next to the couch and gestured at my legs. "Can I sit?"

I looked up at her for a moment before reluctantly sitting up so that half the couch was now free. She sat down and crossed her legs, resting one arm on the back of the couch.

I continued to shovel giant spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth as she silently observed me. I avoided her eyes, thinking that if I didn't look at her, she wouldn't be able to see into my soul and find all the heartbroken answers she was looking for.

Eventually, she gently said, "Ella?"

I gradually met her eyes, though with little pleasure.

"Even if you don't want to talk about it, can you at least act like I'm here?"

I internally cringed. I hadn't meant to ignore her. Well, I had. But ignoring her was so much easier than having to talk about what happened. About having to relive it all. Every feeling. Every tear. Every word...

I sat my ice cream down on the coffee table and looked at her. She stared back expectantly.

With a sigh, I leaned over and knocked my forehead on her shoulder, in an awkward sort of head hug. She huffed a little laugh, patting my shoulder. We sat like this for a moment, my ice cream melting and my heart half beating as she halfway comforted me.

But then she scooted closer and slowly wrapped me in a real, tighter hug. "It's okay to feel it all, El."

I blinked a few times, not embracing her back but not pulling away from her comfort either. It's okay to feel it all. But what if I didn't want to feel it? What if I just wanted it all to go away? What if every time I let myself feel it, I felt like I was suffocating?