AT YOUR SERVICE

29. Space

I'm back at square one. I told him we could be friends and what am I doing instead? Avoiding him. Again. It's like the last couple weeks and our talk didn't happen. Things are back to being awkward when we're in the same room. I'm trying to respect Jungkook's wishes and not be around him more than necessary but I hadn't told Jimin that. So Jimin has no idea why I drew back just as quickly as I had opened up. Every time I see Jimin and Jungkook in the same room, my heart can't help but squeeze at me, guilt threatening to swallow me whole. I know the only way this will stop is if I come clean and I talk to Jungkook. But I'm not ready.

One the one hand, I know how much he loves me. I know how much he'd want to blame Jimin for this and pin everything on him and he'll forgive me if I beg enough. If I show him how sorry I truly am, he'll stay and we'll work through it. But on the other hand, he'd probably stay if it was anyone but Jimin. Jungkook knows how much Jimin hurt me. He knows what I went through and he's made it abundantly clear time and time again that he doesn't want that to happen. He doesn't want me to feel that again so when he finds out I willingly put myself in that position, he'll ice me out for sure. He'll break up with me and cut me off without hesitation. That's the absolute worst case scenario and I'm not ready to face that. I'm not ready to lose him.

No matter what anyone thinks, I know my feelings for Jungkook. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose him. I'm being selfish, I know it better than anyone. I know how wrong it is of me to keep this bottled up and not let it come to light. I'm hurting him without him even knowing it. Every single day that passes is hurting him more and more even if he has no idea. I'm struggling so much to keep things "normal," whatever that means.

After our conversation at the restaurant a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I was hurting him simply by being so wrapped up in my own thoughts and hypothetical scenarios because I was neglecting him and our relationship. After that wonderful night we spent together, I've been consciously trying to make more of an effort not to ice him out. I've been doing my best to try to keep up this facade that everything is ok when inside, I know everything is falling apart right before my eyes. Every single day I have to try a little bit harder and pretend just a little bit more. It's exhausting.

I have to keep my mask on at all times. Only when I'm alone in my room could I let the fake smile fall from my face and wallow in my negative emotions. Unfortunately, alone time doesn't come often for me these days. Working a tour is busy. I never truly realized everything that goes into running a smooth show. When we aren't at venues making preparations, I'm out with the guys sightseeing along with other staff members or busy working on other things outside of the tour. When we aren't all together, Jungkook and I are sneaking off to be alone. Most nights are spent in his room, tangled together in his bed. I've been having a hard time sleeping and usually after we have sex, Jungkook falls asleep right away and I stay awake. I stare at the ceiling or sit by a window and just stare up at the moon, lost in my thoughts. I'm always tired and as hard as I'm trying to be "normal", I know the guys have noticed I'm really just going through the motions.

Namjoon tried talking to me but I just shut him out. He eventually gave up but he still checks in on me whenever he can. I appreciate that side of him so much. I know I can talk to him and he won't judge me, but I don't want him to know what an absolute fuck up I am. I'm sure he wouldn't care regardless though, he's just so understanding and gives an unbiased perspective into things. It's one of the things I admire about him the most. He's just so good at analyzing situations and figuring out what to do. I guess that's why he's so good at being the leader.

Truth be told, I wanted to talk to him but I didn't want anyone else involved. When Kookie finds out, he's going to be hurt enough without knowing others know and they didn't say anything. I don't want to make the situation worse than it already is, it's already bad enough Lily knows. So instead, I do what I've been doing for weeks. I pull away and overthink when I get a free moment and torture myself with my thoughts.