AT YOUR SERVICE

46. It All Comes Crashing Down

Jimin's POV

I went into a different dressing room to get changed after the show. Namjoon wanted us to stay behind and talk about something and I just wasn't in the mood. Being in this city, a city where she may or may not be in was causing me to have conflicting feelings. Part of me wanted to run and find her and the other part of me told me to stay put because too much time had passed and there was no way she'd even talk to me if I did find her. Every time we passed through, the same feelings of regret and sadness awoke in me. It had been so long since she left but I never stopped thinking about her, not even a little.

After she left, I was completely broken. I had no idea where to find her, no idea where she would even go besides Chicago and Chicago is a huge city. I suppose if I really wanted to, it could have been easy but the thought that held me back from doing it was "I hurt her so much that she ran away." She obviously didn't want contact with me so I would give her what she wanted even if it killed me. Because I loved her, even if I never told her.

I spiraled so badly out of control after she left. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I drank until I blacked out otherwise my mind would torment me with images of her, with flashbacks of her skin on mine, her lips on mine, the sound of her voice moaning my name. For months I was out of control. Yoongi hyung and Jin hyung had to go out and find me multiple times at a random park because I drank so much that I blacked out and never made it home on time. I slept with so many women, never caring about them and always picturing it was y/n in my bed instead. Wishing and hoping that if I closed my eyes hard enough, I would open them and see her on top of me instead but it never worked. No matter how badly I wanted it, it just wasn't the same. I fucked them and kicked them out of my apartment, never to see them again.

My apartment was still how she left it. I didn't touch any of her things. Her clothes were still in my closet, her makeup and toothbrush still in my bathroom. I still had our pictures in frames in my bedroom and office. I just couldn't let her go. Getting rid of these things meant there was really no going back. It meant I had to admit I fucked up and I pushed her away and I just couldn't. Bang Si hyuk pulled me into his office a few months after y/n left, right after another black out at a park the night before. He told me I needed to get my shit together and act right otherwise that was it, he'd cut me from BTS. He said he couldn't afford having a liability in the group and if I didn't figure it out, I'd have lost everything I worked so hard for. He said he was done babying me and it was time for tough love since talking to me and trying to pull me out of that black hole wasn't working.

Needless to say, I got my attitude together and pretended everything was fine. But that's just it. It was all fake. Nothing really changed, I just got good at hiding it. I would smile and laugh with everyone and I went back to the care free Jimin everyone was used to but inside, I was still broken. When I was alone, I was still drinking until I passed out, crying as I held her picture and the pillow that had long ago lost her scent. I still missed her. I still loved her. And every time we came back to this city, all of those feelings would hit me even harder than when I was farther away. Because the possibility of running into her here was greater although still unlikely to happen.

I finish getting dressed as I shake away those thoughts and go back to the main lounge where everyone is at. The back door is locked, I knocked but I guess no one heard. I go around into the main corridor to go through the front door and I hear her laugh. I think I must be going crazy but then I see her. I see her beautiful smile and hear the laugh coming from her mouth. She's with another girl and I guess they must be joking about something. I stop in my tracks, my eyes never leaving her until she finally sees me and her smile fades away. Instead, a look of fear and anxiousness takes over. Is this what I've done to her? Is this how she thinks of me now? When she once looked at me with love and affection, all that's left in their place is dread and fear. My feet carry me until I'm standing at arm's length from her. She's the first to break the silence.